I had said before that I'm on Seroquel XR and it was working well. Well, that was for about 2 weeks. I'm in such a mood today that I'm really getting discouraged about chemistry's ability to "fix" me.

I just feel so angry and irritable, and I'm even having morbid thoughts about hurting a few people (I would never do that of course; I've never been homicidal, but more likely to hurt myself). I just can't stop feeling like I hate the world and everyone in it. It's like I have 2 sides to myself. One side is the rational pacifist who would never hurt a fly, and then there's those angry, hateful thoughts just swirling around in my head.

I wonder sometimes if I'm a good person or not. I know I have good values- I don't lie, steal, cheat, or hurt anyone, and I'm against violence. But, my thoughts are psychopathic. Why can't I get rid of these horrible feelings of anger? Is this a mixed state? I would define myself as depressed, but I don't feel like crying. Instead, I feel like screaming and throwing things, but I've learned to control my actions behind a sense of decorum. So, people may know I'm crabby, but I don't think they can fathom just how angry I feel.

The main reason, I think, is because I hate my job, but I'm trapped there 'til I die. It's the best-paying job I've had, with the best benefits, but there are no openings for mobility or transfer (and who would want to hire me with these mood swings, anyway?) And, quitting is not an option, because now I have a house to pay for and cannot live on $8/hr anymore, which is what most jobs around here pay. I can't go back to college because I don't have the money. So, I feel like I'm stuck, and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm not living- I'm enduring misery for the next 26 years and I have no choice. It all seems to boil down to that. I'm so angry because I have no choices in life- I'm just pushed and pulled in whatever direction I'm "supposed" to go. It seems hopeless.

Well, I see the doc in a week and a half, and maybe she can adjust my meds. I can't believe I felt so good and stable for 2 weeks, just to end up right back feeling depressed and hateful again. I wonder, though, if meds can really fix this, when I'm stuck in a position that is precipitating and magnifying these feelings. I really have no goals or hope for the future. I've tried seeing a therapist and talking about this, but it was useless. Any suggestions?