Thank you all. yes, I am confused and yes they are already rotting inside. I like the image of the apple dolls. My confusion is that there is no black and white. My friend who died, whom I loved, whom I cared for, beat his kids. One of his sons was talking to me about it and he doesn't have anger or scars. He understands that his father wasn't perfect. Maybe the difference is that he also loved his kids. You know, it wasn't always beatings and fear it was great memories mixed in? I still love him and regret nothing. I am sorry that he made these mistakes parenting. it was the culture during the late 60's and early 70's when he was raising his kids. This is a rural, backward place. I am trying to find some peace in knowing that he could beat his kids and then love them. I was beaten and tortured but I was never loved. I was always hated. It is all so hard to understand. The most important thing is that I get to remember who I want to be in this world. How do I want to love, live? Thanks again nevada and Jax and sleeps with Butterflys.