My life has been going great, I have been SO STABLE for SO LONG.

When the choice came that I had to switch because of insurance and cost, there was even the thought of stopping therapy. That's how stable I've been.

But in the past little week or two, I've gone and messed it all up again.

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I handle this?

Why can't I just stay stable FOR GOOD??

Due to a change in insurance, I have to leave my psychiatric nurse practitioner who has been doing both meds and therapy for me for over 2 years. I guess it's really effecting me. And the way the insurance company has been treating me has NOT been pleasant. Millions of phone calls, so much red tape just to get pre-certified. It's a nightmare.

Pile on that with some recent little fights with my husband over money. I'm trying to come up with a better system of handling things but everything I think of just gets shot to heck. I'm the one screwing things up, not him.

And I was on a team raising money for a charity with some coworkers, and a major event we had planned just blew up in our face days before the event, and it was because of something I had done. I felt responsible. Sure, the business owner is the one who messed it up, but I should have followed through more.

And I'm losing weight, but not enough. I can't stop eating, I'm not exercising, I'll never make this a lifetsytle change. I'm still over 200 pounds.

My husband hasn't had sex with me in 6 months. But I should be used to that by now....we've been in a sexless marriage/relationship for going on 8 years. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Who would want to have sex with a 200 pound crazy depressed fat a&& who spends all his money anyways?

And the worst part is, I don't know who to call. Thursday I met my new therapist, Friday I met my new psychiatrist, but I really don't know either of them that well yet. And my former psychiatrist nurse is now too expensive. I know she'd talk to me on the phone for free, but of course, it's the weekend, and I really don't feel THAT urgent. I actually have a final appointment with her on Thursday just to say goodbye, but I wanted that to be a happy appointment, not drudge up a lot of crap.

I called in sick to work one full day this week, and then left work in the middle of the day twice. So basically two full sick days. NOT GOOD. I can not afford to lose this job. My husband found out about the last half sick day and was livid. I'm costing us so much money (I have no more paid sick leave, this is unpaid), and I could cost me my job again. I lost my last job from too much sick leave. I was unemployed for 9 months. We could not handle that again. Bankruptcy for sure. We currently have over $75,000 in debt, all thanks to me.

Why do I screw things up, every time it gets good?