This is a timely post for me to find. I have been depression and anxiety symptom free for about a week now. After a year or more in the pit of dispair this is a welcomed change. I can't remember the last time I even had a day off from the pain and suffering of my BP et.al. symptoms until this break.

I am drug resistant (physically and psychologically) and nothing has changed in my life circumstances so I can not credit any identifiable influences for the sudden change. The fact that it happened so suddenly with no environmental, physical or behaviourlal indicator to credit just adds to the mystery for me.

I really would like to identify the trigger or reason for the sudden flip in my mood so I could aviod falling into the pit again. So far I have not flipped into any form of manic symptoms either but I can't help but wonder when this ride will fall off the rails one way or another. My history would suggest the level will tilt eventually. It is a little like living with a ticking time bomb with an invisible timer. I have read that episodes of depression get worse over time. My history would support that. Each episode over the decades of suffering have been increasingly longer and more severe. Same with the manic episodes in between. I just pray the respites can follow the same pattern and go on for a very long time.

In no way do I miss the pain of the depression or the strain of the anxiety but life does feel unfamiliar to me these days. I am becoming more and more aware every good day how much of my 'treatment' for the depression was through programmed behaviours. So much of my day when I am depressed is about protecting myself from stressors and stimulations that would manifest extreme reactions. So much of what I did was preventative or a coping mechanism. Now that I don't need those protections I can see how they had become automatic. I would routinely do things I don't need to do now. I would avoid things I don't need to avoid now. I have capacities I didn't have when I was depressed. I catch myself now when I automatically avoid or resist things without thinking about them. It gets a kind of chuggle or moment of celebration from me to realize how much more free I am now that those symptoms aren't controlling my choices and my actions.

In some ways it is like I am experiencing life again and it feels odd. My normal has changed. Depression was my norm. The last episode went on for so long that I think the accepted familiarity was a way of coping. Acceptance to avoid the pity party mentality, the sense of disappointment that would just feed my symptoms. I needed to accept my depressed life. I defined myself as depressed. I was a depressed person rather than I was a person who was depression. Big difference.

This life free of the depression; not controlled by anxiety, not on edge and defensive and frightened and consumed with mental anquish isn't as familiar to me after such a long stint in the pit. I am accutely aware of the change beyond the emotional elements free of symptoms. It is altering my identity day by day. I am getting in touch with myself again. My only fear now is that this is all a dream and I will wake up depressed again.

I don't know why I am well today nor how long I will be well and as each day tags on to another I don't know whether to be hopeful for a long, maybe even a permanent recovery or to wonder if my allotment of good days are running out. Tick tock tick tock. Because sleep is often when the trigger switch flips, according to my history, I still struggle somewhat getting to sleep at night. I don't want this peaceful dream to ever end.

No I don't miss the pain of the debilitating depression one little bit. I may in an odd sort of way miss the familiarity and predictibility of dealing with the symptoms a little because it protected me from disappointments and it excused me when I am unable to cope somedays but even that is a stretch.

I hope if and when the depression invades my life again that I can remember to not ever give in to the symptoms. To keep battling with the aid of whatever coping mechanism keeps me on my feet. To know that no matter what is challenging me my life has value and I always will have something to contribute to my world. And to keep my eye on the hope that a respite will come again.

Even depressed I can live a purpose filled life.