I went out with a few aquantance mom friends last night to a concert and had a great time (it's been 8yrs since i went to a concert and that was a concert my husband wanted to see)! I felt like I was in my early twentys again (before marriage and kids etc..). I felt totally free to just be myself - No stress or tension. That experience was a shot between the eyes of what I am missing in my life. The feeling of not having tension or stress all the time (having kids at home means there will always be some form of stress . I had tension and stress all the time growing up in my home environment and I feel like I have that at home now with my husband.

I crave my husband just holding me. Unfortuantly the tension and stress gets in the way. Perhaps I could be more open to my husband and more open to sex if I didn't feel tension and stress all the time. My husband has an anxiety disorder and is on meds and that helps some (he refuses to go to marriage counseling or individual counseling - i've been begging him for the past year).

Tonight I thought it could be fun to roast marshmallows after dinner. We were outside and it went like this (husband talking to our 5yr old):
K the marshmallow is too close to the coals you don't want to touch the coals with the marshmallow.
K don't put your mouth on the stick because I don't like germs and we are all using the same stick.
K don't put your hands in the dirt now the door handle is going to get dirty.
This is my life and I'm feeling sad about it. What sounds like could be a fun experience is filled with tension and anxiety.
Granted not all the time it's like this just most of the time

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I married my husband for security (I did't live in a secure environment growing up and this was at the top of my list because Love didn't ever seem to pan out in my relationships so I tried something diff). Can I ever find love with my husband. Is this really all about me and i have a screw loose? Is there something i can fix about myself and i will no longer feel this way? Does SA have anything to do with this and not feeling open to intimacy? - (I was in a relationship before my husband and we were very active in the bedroom and lots of nonsexual contact as well). Anyone with this experience?

Sorry for my ramblings I'm just trying to figure this out. I have a T appt on Monday and this will be discussed.