I didn't personally deal with it but my niece is right now. My sister got pregnant when she was 17 and the father's parents gave him an ultimatum: he could see his daughter or he could never see her or talk to her and they would pay for his entire college. He chose college. Now he is married with kids of his own. My sister had to take him to court several times to get child support and now she has been married for about 10 years and they have another 3 children together. So 5 in the household have his last name and then there is my niece who doesn't. My sister's current husband never officially adopted her because then they would lose the child support from her real dad.

She goes through spurts. One day she will want so bad to meet him. My sister has sent emails, cards, letters with her school pictures in them, and nothing. So then once she makes this attempt, my niece will get angry and decide she doesn't care if she ever meets him. Then once the hurt wears off she starts that cycle all over again.

Even though my sister's husband has been around for over 10 years, she doesn't call him dad and he doesn't refer to her as his daughter. So she is kind of alone in that sense. Luckily though my dad (her grandpa) has pretty much always been around, as well as my brother and my sister's husband so I think she is better off never meeting him.

My sister didn't have a choice. She still went to college and got her degree and a good job. But the dad chose a free ride over his own child. So, personally, when a dad does that, I don't really ever get how one would even have the urge to meet him (except maybe to give him a big ol smack).

What I hope happens is that she goes away to college in a couple years, gets her degree, does well for herself and THEN meets him. Only to say that he was an excellent father and made the best choice for her because him not being around has turned out an amazing child.

I'm sorry your situation was terrible and I think thats probably the majority of cases. It will always be a what if type situation. Are you happy that now you know the man and can make peace with it or would you rather have had this mysterious image and always had it in the back of your mind what could have been?