too much to bear

how do I convince myself that I am not going to die any moment now

all day every day obsessed with aging and dying and can't allow myself to live normally

i have this overwhelming sense of impending doom and no therapy or medication helps

i don't know what to do

doctors are baffled too so who am i that can cure this?

now they are talking about ect or rtms which scare the hell out of me even more

my family, my ONLY support are miles away picking berries literally out picking berries

i wish they would be frantically trying to help me find a cure

i feel so abandoned and alone

they just think this will pass so they go about their lives which I don't blame them but I am suffering so much

my mother has stayed with me for months and helped me with the kids and I am so grateful but for some reason I want them to find a cure

i think because I cannot help myself so I am so terrified so I need someone to help me