Since my first post was in anxiety, ill continue here....

If you do a search for my name you could bring up the old one. Basically i think ive gotten better, but also worse-in different ways respectively. I thought with my intelligence and ability to reason i could get through it all on my own, but i think im beginning to realize that that is not possible-and i may go see a school counselor.

But here are some things ive realized about myself lately. I do things to extremes. I will do one thing all the way, full out, and then if i get tired of it or fall out of it i will feel worthless until i find something else i can be fanatical about again.

I might have mild schizophrenia because i talk to myself often in my head, sometimes vocally. On occasion (less than 5 times) i have seriously frightened myself by imagining aliens near me and once i wouldnt look to the left of me as i sat at a computer late at night because i thought there was an alien there and i think it said a few words to me. This is by no means usual though, it was an extreme case.

Its almost like i am so lonely, that ive made myself colorful and enjoyable-to myself. If i had friends and relations i probably wouldnt be so self involved like this.

I have serious, serious problems interacting with people. In fact, if i think i did well in conversing with someone on a day i will feel very proud and hopeful even that maybe i could start a trend of being normal.

I try to act hard, or tough, or mean looking an unapproachable. This isnt who i am at all and i think its some kind of defense mechanism, because if someone manages to talk to me because they have to or something then i may likely be normal with them.

I see so many girls every day that i wish could sleep next to me at night or just be very close to emotionally, but this seems IMPOSSIBLE. In high school i was with a girl for more than a year, who had a lot of influence in my life. I actually ended up breaking it off, but i wanted it back. We did go back out off and on, but it was done for. So then i moved 600 miles away and we still talked a little and she said she wished i was back there with her cuz she wanted to go out again--At this point i had forgotten about her emotionally. This year though (1 year and a half since ive moved) i think about this girl every day. But oddly, not that i want to be with her now. I miss the times i had and i get sad like nothing like that will ever happen again, like she is having fun now with her boyfriend and i dont have a girl here, like i got left behind and i know in person i wouldnt even like her anymore. its tormenting me every day at least once.

I dont feel like i can be close to anyone because i cant be myself, cuz i dont really know how to do that or even who that is.

My life is empty. I have all the talent in the world, i have looks, i have athleticism, health, vision, yet i am a social vegetable and a complete infant when it comes to confronting myself and/or someone else. I have nothing if i have no social connections, life would be vacantly self-centered and if i died right now it would be so pointless an existance.

I forgot to mention im paranoid, perhaps rightfully so in reference to the government, but in less obvious examples i believe it may be more than usual.

I also have a tendency to beat myself up with schizophrenic voices, which are my own but not really my own.

I can manifest my fears to a startling amount. Reading an account of a UFO abduction the other day had me convinced there was an alien in my living room, and that i couldnt open my bedroom door. I have a problem with aliens if you have guessed yet .

Lately, and the main reason for this post, has been this high school girl i already mentioned. Its really getting to me. I loved this girl, she was my first sexual experience, her parents liked me, we had this connection. It was such an impact on my life i am still realizing it. And everytime i think of a memory with her in it, i just get nostalgic or melencholy or this weird happy/wish i was there/now im sad kind of feeling.

Guess the school person will have fun with me and my aliens.