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Social phobic/schizophrenic in a familiar environment with familiar people: Operates as a well-adjusted individual. This same person in the company of strangers seems to have a gift for pushing people’s buttons; they feel the need to attack in some way. The inability to socialize has resulted in a safe isolation, but I want to change it. I know a technique that will fix it, but it can’t be self-administered; and, since I created the technique, I need someone to train: How do you find someone when you can’t even approach/talk to people? This includes therapists: I look like a psycho when I’m talking to them. I know this at the time, but I can’t stop it, even with a greater part of me inwardly laughing at myself over the situation that this is the opposite of who I am!
If you try to explain this to a therapist (anyone, really), it is a backward slide from which there is no way out; or very difficult, anyway. My personality has managed to enflame mental health practitioners across the board; my ethnic community ostracizes me; I expect to be terminated from here: It is terrible! No medication or reviewing past traumas help (self or therapy), neither does the humor or self-mockery.
The latter actually comes from my auditory hallucinations. With the company of strangers comes an increasing flood of self-mocking jokes. Some of them are funny so you have to restrain from laughing or smiling, or risk offending people; eventually, I had to stop working as a holistic therapist because of this. As an observer, it would be funny but it is unbearable and I don’t know how to reverse it.
It takes hours to have the guts to post something here, or to reply to someone else; and this one was the hardest. How does one begin to change? Is it too shallow to want a loving sexual relationship with someone before I die, or this an unrealistic expectation given the above? (That I can't even make friends)
Thank you to anyone who reads this, I hope that someone can help.
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