I understand a lot of what you are writing about. But I'm having a particularly difficult time. Keep posting and hopefully in a few days I can respond. My dad told me my depression was just "growing pains" and explained away my mom's behavior by saying "you know your mom." I'm 34 now and in pain. I certainly don't want this for you. You sound extremely intelligent and very resourceful. Don't give up. You'll find a way.