It gets easier with time. I've been with my current T coming up on 7yrs and 9/10 I can manage to conjure up the nice feelings about her. But there are still "those" times when I do just as you do, journaling etc, there is no easy answer to this, it is just as it is, sadness at having to leave that nice, cozy warm "womb", and detaching from the pain of it.