I'm not doing so well today, I have to talk about it.
I nearly got myself looking at pictures of people on Facebook again, I had to get out of there before I did. I made the mistake of using natural light to get ready in front of the mirror today. My advice- if you have issues with the way you look don't use sunlight as lighting because it emphasises EVERY flaw you have. I used to go outside with a mirror to pluck my eyebrows because you can see better, but then I always end up spending half an hour picking at my face and getting worked up.
I can see every pore on my face, I found more wrinkles today that I've never noticed before so now I want a face lift to get rid of them. And I have really big pores, I don't know how to get rid of them, but I hate them.
I bought some more stuff for my face, I'm now taking medication, using Olay Regenerist, face scrub, and benzoyl peroxide to try and fix my skin. And I don't think it's working. I feel like I look worse. My acne isn't getting worse, although as of yet I don't know if it's getting any better, but I'm noticing the bags under my eyes, my wrinkles (especially on my forehead, I was contemplating a brow lift last nigh as well... ).
Last night I did my hair up and realised it actually looked nice. Only one problem. My ears stick out so much that there is no way in hell that I'd go out in public with my hair like that. So now I'm desperate to have them pinned back. I've got to get it done, I need to find a way to pay for it. My ears and my teeth are the 2 things I want done the most. While I was researching it I found that ear pinning costs between $1,000-$3,000, it's not too bad of a price. I went to the doctor about it once before (the doctor that made me fat), and I was on the waiting list to have it checked out. But I had been on the waiting list for SO long, I mean I think it may have been about a year that I was waiting, so I just didn't bother. But now I am desperate again.
And I took some photos of myself to remember how I'd done my hair up in case there is ever a time that I CAN go out with my hair up. But while these photos weren't as bad as they can be, I did notice a slight bump in my nose. I already hate my nose as it is. In fact I hate my face from the side altogether. I try and avoid taking side angle photos because my face looks flat, the bridge of my nose is too long, and you can really see the bags under my eyes. Well now I've noticed this bump too.
I also had a dream last night about it as well, I dreamt that my mother was sitting with me at the kitchen table and then she said to me 'your aunty says you've always looked like boy', in this tone like she had needed to confess it to me. It was really upsetting to me even though it was a dream, because I do think I look like a boy sometimes and it makes me feel even more ugly.

I feel like I'm driving myself bonkers. I must sound like such a sook. This is the reason I don't usually talk about it with people, they're going to do the whole 'it's not true, it's not true' crap, they're going to think I'm just saying it for attention, when in reality I feel the complete opposite. I know people are lying, I don't know how they cannot see the things I see. I know they don't sit and pick at my appearance with a magnifying glass the way I do, but my flaws are so blatantly obvious. I am genuinely becoming apprehensive to see friends now because of how I look.

Anyway, I just needed to vent.