I know. I know that he has to not like these things about himself and want to change for himself. I want to feel like him seeing me cry and knowing that he was the cause just absolutely kills him. And I also know that his school (he went to a lutheran school growing up) and his family does not allow men to show emotions what so ever. And I just asked, who has been here for you no matter what? Through all the crap that has happened in the last 1.5 years? Who has been supportive of you whether you had money or were unemployed? And I was like, if you can't allow yourself to be vulnerable around me then that is the nail in the coffin. And i told him that if he really did love me as much as he says he does, then he would let me go so he could work on himself to be a better person.

I wish that I could be the person that just changed the locks while he was gone and have him come home to all his crap on the lawn but I just can't. No matter how mad I get, I'm still a softy. If he really is just doing this to keep me around and not for good then I imagine it wont take more than a week or so for him to go back to old behaviors.

I think I'm going to ask him about counseling. I figure if he is willing to do that then he might actually be serious about changing because I do know what its like to want to change certain things but not really know where to start. But if he comes up with an excuse or says he doesn't want to then that lets me know that he is just bs-ing me. I guess some of the reason Im more lenient is that I used to be the same way and just fly off the handle over nothing, start crying for no reason, I used to be insanely jealous and verbally abuse my ex. I know that the whole time I hated myself but just didn't know how to change or where to start and once I started going to a T and reading some self-help type materials on depression I started learning more about myself. And if he can go through this process of self-discovery and come out as a better person then I know our relationship would be stronger for having gone through this together. And I know that realizing you need help is half the battle and if he realizes it but just doesn't know what to do, then I feel like that is half of the process.