Oh my Tish,

I can't even pretend to imagine how this must feel... the pain and feelings must be so strong at times that you can't even move. Tish, my heart goes out to you. I think that losing a child has to be one of life's most horrific experiences.

I only know death from another angle, some of my family was tortured and executed when I was young and the images and memories never seem to go away. Even to this day, over 50 years later, I feel their pain and presence-- and no amount of therapy can remove these images, sounds, smells and sensations. They have become the life blood of my soul, serving to further refine it in its' journey-- so I make every effort now to protect my pains and never forget or try to have them become diminished.

Tish, I have no great words of wisdom or insight, only a kindred pain and a hope that at some point you will find peace in a way that removes the pain but not the memory.

With great compassion and understanding,
Baaku

PS: I wanted to put this elsewhere and this is as good a place as any. If you would like to talk more about your family situation and some ways you might be able to work thru this, please keep talking. We will listen and hopefully can be of help.