Why do I blame myself for my brother's death? Why do I not forgive myself? The first question is the easiest to answer. He suffered chronic renal failure, he needed a kidney transplant. I donated one of mine to him, but his body rejected it eight months later. He was on a restrictive diet and undergoing dialysis three times a week. He wasn't following the diet his doctors put him on, and I knew this. I didn't do enough to make sure he adhered to the diet. I was afraid of speaking up and telling him he needed to stick to the diet. The day he died, I should have snatched out of his hand the orange juice he was drinking, as his potassium level was already too high. He knew this because he would suffer seizures whenever his potassium level was too high, and over time he learned to recognize the physical symptoms he'd feel as being associated with high potassium levels. He'd already told me earlier that day that his potassium was too high. Orange juice is high in potassium. He forgot this. It wasn't until we were at a friend's house that he remembered he wasn't supposed to be drinking orange juice, especially as his potassium was already high. Shortly afterwards, he had a seizure and died. I should have prevented this, I should have stopped him from drinking the orange juice. He'd be alive if I had. His son would still have a father. I wasn't paying attention to what he was doing, what he was drinking or eating. Someone should have been paying attention to these things since my brother had failed to. "Am I my brother's keeper?", that's what Cain asked God after he'd killed Abel. Yes, we are our brothers' keepers. I was my brother's keeper, and I failed. As to the second question, why can I not forgive myself, well... I guess the long and short of it is that punishment is due to me, since I failed in my duty as his brother. Yeah, I donated a kidney to him, but that kidney failed. Forget my brother's culpability for his own actions and their consequences, that's not germane to my duties and responsibilities as his brother. As I said earlier, since he was negligent in adhering to his diet, someone should have been helping him to, and that person should have been me. There are consequences for all our actions, and the consequences of my actions demand punishment for having failed in my duty as the oldest brother. Chad, my youngest brother, is dead, nothing can bring him back, not even my forgiving myself.