thanks for your insight, cma. i have checked out emotionally with my husband, it happened many years ago. this fwb is the first i've ever had. and yes, if i left my spouse, and things with fwb fell apart, i would be devastated. which is one of the reasons why i wont leave. the other is that my spouse has crippling arthritis, and i feel responsible for him. if he were healthy, i would've left long ago. this fwb thing isn't permanent, never was. i realize i am emotionally involved in a futile relationship.
have my cake and eat it too...makes me a real ****** person as far as i'm concerned.
the best thing i could do, and i am trying, is to find another job. i think if we didn't work together, fwb wouldn't be around much, if at all. it's easy and convenient this way.
part of this is an escape too. since losing a good job, we may lose the house, 3rd shift has alienated me from all the friends i had, since i am always working when they are off, my days off are split, and really so boring and depressing, since i'm wide awake after 10pm and husband is sleeping, i can't do anything that would make any noise. for the first time in my life, i started drinking. not every day, but on my days off, i drink enough to put me to sleep, early, so i don't sit here in the middle of the night feeling sorry for myself.
and the worst part of this whole thing is that i hate drunks, always have and fwb is an alcoholic. what in god's name is going on with me? i feel as though the real me is slowly evaporating, and a stranger is taking my place. the only time i feel normal is when i am with fwb, because there is a lot of laughter, and we can talk about anything and everything. it is the only time i don't hate my job, my life, and my situation.
what an effing mess i have become.
thanks for listening to my whining.