It does us all good to vent/whine whatever you want to call it so don't apologise. Getting another job maybe the answer for you as long as it's financially feasible as you don't want to get into debt as that will be a whole new set of problems. To me you said like you need some good old fashioned TLC from somebody that loves and respects you. You seem to have gone through a lot of guilt with your husband's illness and getting involved with your FWB. Since he is an alcoholic and you despise alcoholics you'd be best to sever ties with him and spend some time with people that are on your level morally, as they will bring positive reinforcement to your life instead of bringing you down. I know what it's like to fall out of love with one's husband and it's really not fair to either of you to pretend. If you don't love him tell him so you can both move on with your dignity intact... best wishes