That sounds more like what you're bracing for someone else to call you. Then, after you finish dealing with their opinion of you, you might be able to get back to noticing how you feel.

Assuming that you eventually find you do want to try chatting, I'm sure there are going to be ways to make it easier on yourself to take the first step. Just the thought of it seems to bring up a lot of stuff for you, though, so maybe you'd rather work through some of that stuff in a safer, slower setting first. That wouldn't be irrational, childish, etc., as much as it would be good self-care.

FWIW, posting is more my speed. I've never even chatted here and I don't usually like trying to keep up with more than one person at a time. By the time I know what I want to say, I'm likely to be a good three steps behind the topic of conversation.

Is there something you'd like to prove to yourself by successfully chatting? If you were to try it and it didn't go the way you hoped, would that say bad things about you?