From all your posts, I don't see abuse, mostly just lack of agreement/communication and lots of anger/frustration on both of you all's parts. I don't understand what you all's agreements are about money, chores, etc.? I understand you want things a certain way but I think a lot of what you (and he) complain about is in each of your individual heads and there's not much joint discussion.

If you cook all the time, unasked/discussed, you have taken that on and I'd be hurt, confused, angry too if that changed suddenly. I can't imagine making my own dinner and not making my husband's or discussing what to do about dinner if I don't feel like making it, etc. But then we have an agreement, I cook and he does dishes. One can't just assume another person is going to do X, Y, or Z because we'd like them to or because we're doing A, B, and C.

I do the "joint" laundry like bath towels. We both do our own personal, clothes laundry according to our own schedules. I find it amusing that my husband tells me his towel (on the towel rack in the bathroom) smells bad instead of just throwing it in his dirty laundry bag and getting a new one from the closet. I'm sure I could teach him to do that but I would literally have to teach him that, he's never done it that way! He cannot know what is in MY head and how I was taught to do things and what looks obvious to me (and I'm sure, you). All of that has to be taught/negotiated.

If your boyfriend has never handled money, then yes, he's gonna be lousy at it! We all are at first, we all have to learn to do what we do; we aren't born knowing how to care for ourselves and being good at all things that other people are good at.

I remember bringing in a "visual" for my therapist, a "Bisquick biscuit basket" :-) I had made a bunch of them and put a hot chicken and gravy sort of dinner in them the night before my therapy appointment and had had trouble with the baking for specific traumatic/emotional reasons I wanted to discuss in that therapy session. She was amazed at my cooking skill! She told me about her orientation to cooking and how she had to read directions, etc. and how all that differed from my more intuitive, laid back, ease of cooking style. I am not amazed at my cooking skill because I grew up with it/it just "is" for me. I have brown hair, is that remarkable? It probably is to a bunch of Scandinavians who have never been out of their own town?

I don't think your boyfriend has had to do much for himself but I don't think anyone has ever helped him learn how, either. I do a lot for my husband rather than teach him how but I accept that. He once asked me to teach him how to choose meat at the grocery store and we started a lesson and within 2 minutes he said, "Never mind, let's just keep doing it the way we do it!" We had our cooking/wash dishes agreement in place so that was fine with me. Over the last 25 years I've taught him to pick hamburger meat and certain steaks, how to cook pancakes and he taught himself to cook omelettes so now he cooks his own big breakfast each morning and I can count on him to occasionally cook us hamburgers, hot dogs, or some meat I've prepared for the outdoor grill :-) I've "encouraged" him to read package directions and make microwave dinners too. But, his pancakes are too thick for my liking and he's slow when making anything else because he is very meticulous (like my T) and reads the directions (and then may have trouble understanding them :-) but that is what it is! He's not me. I can choose; do it myself, faster and with less heartburn or let him learn and me learn to relax a bit and not insist everything be done "my" way.