my love life is start from here..
when i was in junior high school.. i really nothing in social life at school.. i seems invisible, sometimes they talk bad things to me under estimate me.. until i meet a man and he become my first boy friend, since that time i don't care what people said about me.. i feel happy.. but after 8 months in relationship ( when i just start my high school ) i found him that he also make a relationship with 2 other girls?! i asked him why? and i said i want to talk to the girl that he really love.. but he begging me to not saying anything to her.. after few days i told him “ you better back to her, I want you to be happy.. and I know it’s not with me.. “

2nd boy friend, 3rd, 4th, also the same.. i found them cheated on me..
until i met my 5th boy friend.. it was nice in the first 2 years.. everything goes well, until we are on the 3rd years.. everything start changing.. he start to not care... and then he broke me up a day before my final exam..

well then i try my luck in another place, i start go into internet chat..
i met him on internet.. 3yrs ago, he come to my country very often but we never have time to meet, he makes me laugh.. and so am i to him, i tell him few of my problem and he calm me down, when i feel bad he send hugs & kiss emoticons, well i know its true.. i saw him on webcam also.. we admitted that we feel comfort to eachother , until one day i got very big problem with my office & something else disturbing my mind, then he offering me to come to where he work (which is in a part of my country) and i can be relax there, then i come to him for 4 days 3nights, i was in 1 room with him.. but he really respect me.. he ask for permission to hug me & kiss me for real.. there's always morning kiss for me when i were there..
from the way he staring at me.. his eyes looked so soft.. i never been staring like that before.. there's a moment that he made me laugh.. and then he staring at me, and i said "what?" then he said "i like to make you smile.." no one have ever say that to me before.. sounds very honest to me..
when the day i have to back home, he said "i don't want you to go.." it was sounds so cute to me.. i don't want to go either actually.. he tooked me to the airport and that time he really looked like he doesn't want me to go.. he keep holding my hand..

when i were there for 4 days we hugged alot, we kissed alot.. i kiss him because i care.. i feel peace to be with him, feel comfort, but i don't know what is exactly he feels.. i'm afraid if i'm going to be hurt again..
am i only his pit stop? (consider that he is separate long time ago)

is it normal to kiss alot a girl without any feelings?
i have not brave to tell that i love him or ask how he feels, because i don't want to lose what i have now with him.. i thought it will be awkward when he knows my feeling.. and he didn't feel the same..

before he got back to his country, we met first in the city where i live it was sad i really don't want him to go.. but it could be the last chance for us to meet because he'll be transfered to other area to work..
well he looked cool that time.. but in the same time he looked like that he also sad.. he doesn't even want to look at me..

please tell me.. what you think.. what do you think about him?
does he also feel the same feeling with me?
i'm afraid to make my own conclusion, i'v been hurt so much.. so i don't have any confident to think that i'm worth to loved..