I'm so sorry to hear all these....sounds terrible....You just reminded me my dad how he was so frustrated and felt lonely because my mom didn't like his family and all we had was my mom's family around....It still breaks my heart when I remember how dad wanted his family and he couldn't!!!!
My mom used to do the same telling him that he's spending his money on his family.....then the funny part was my mom's family who constantly asking for money.....

okay....enough about my memories......As a child who grow up with just mom's family (and I don't like them that much, because there are all crazy)....this is my suggestion to you and I wish my dad was doing it:

You got to come stronger than her.....You got to show her place in your life is different than your family and your friends in your life.....I don't think you can just tell her these, because I don't think she would listen to you.....You got to show her all.....She makes a scene in your workplace or in public and makes you embarrassed, then she doesn't deserve a gift of you being nice to her.....You can just tell her that you need some times off....Probably, if you can just get off and visit your family.....

Honesty, I believe you got to do something that she understands she's a wife and she can be an ex-wife, but your mother, your father, your sisters and your brothers will stay as your mother, your father, your sisters and your brothers.....they are your blood and your love towards them in unconditional verses your love towards her which is conditional.....

I remember that my dad used to go visit her mom and giving her money and not telling my mom at all.....then whenever he really wanted to leave my mom, she was getting cooled down and was scared of loosing him....

I personally found out people who are so aggressive and controlling, when they feel they lost the whole control and there is no way to get it back, they will get soft and change......so....stay very strong and tell her what you want from her or write to her and please do it in a calm manner and stay patient towards her rudeness......I would have given her a time out and tell her that I want to live in another place for awhile.....

But in the other hand, we are just people here....probably, it's better you guys visit a Therapist.....

I'm sorry if I sound very critical and harsh.....It felt all the childhood memories bubbled up....

Take care of yourself and you are in my thoughts
Marjan