i guess in a way i'm hedging my bets by not leaving. i also don't have it in me to leave him with his chronic illness. it's unlikely he would find someone else.
he had a drinking problem when i married him(on the rebound, i now realize). i never asked him to stop, i just told him if he was going to be out 5 or 6 nights a week at the bars, i wanted a divorce. about 2 years later, he quit, then found out he had arthritis of the spine.
it doesn't bother me that fwb drinks, because it rarely affects my life.we only work together if he makes plans with me for an intimate evening, and then forgets about it because of the alchohol, that upsets me. his libido is no where near mine, tho he is a year younger but he does have ED which is a challenge to me.i honestly believe that due to the alchohol his medication does not work the way it should. he will not see a urologist. it isn't the money, he is not wealthy, but comfortable, owns his house outright. i understand if he isn't in the mood, i don't complain about it, try to do my best, but to be forgotten infuriates me. we only work together 3 days a week. sometimes we see other all 3 days, sometimes just once a week. we don't talk on the phone, or see each other on days off, unless i call in sick and spend the night there, and that happens about once every two months

if i could change my life the way i wanted it to be, i would be either single or separated for 6 months, with a job was during the day, with at least weekend nights off. i feel this would give me the opportunity to find a decent, funny, intelligent, well read, articulate man as a boyfriend. i do not want to marry again. i don't want to live with anyone again, but i would like a steady, mutually excusive relationship with someone i can relate to, and enjoy being with.
to tell my spouse the truth would emotionally eviscerate him, i don't think i can do that.
and no, when this is over, especially if i am stuck working when and where i am, i doubt if i would do this again.
i am overwhelmed with guilt, and half in love with this fwb, who, in reality does not deserve the love and affection i have to offer.
i'm between a rock and a chemically hard place. i don't know what to do. i know i feel as though i am disintegrating and the only time i feel like i used to is with the fwb. and his moods and control tactics are getting old.
all the comments i've recieved i have thought about extensively. everyone is partially right. i just don't know what to do. i can't just find another job and distance myself, there aren't any here. i had to take third shift as it was the only full time work i could find. that in itself is destroying my life. i am very lonely and bored most of the time. my friends are long gone, i am never available when they want to do anything.
do..here i am, enjoying myself occasionally, physically less than that, yet constantly thinkin about someone other than my husband. and it makes me more depressed.
thank you for your comments and concerns. i hope i find a solution soon for it is driving me to the point of obsession.