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Old Jun 26, 2010, 10:00 AM
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Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
I think "argue" is a loaded word. One has to let others know how we feel but it can be hard to learn to do that well. Often we make statements about another person, thinking we're talking about ourselves. Saying to your girlfriend something like, "Your bitterness hurts me" is probably not going to be very helpful. In the first place you've named something that is hers (she gets to name it first!) and you are blaming another's actions, something outside you, for how you feel. Doesn't work like that. You feel what you feel because of your own makeup, no one else can make you feel a certain way.

Practice wording things specifically, positively, and making them about you. "When you use that tone of voice, I feel ___________ (I can't tell you how a tone of voice makes you feel because I'm not you nor can I hear the same person's tone of voice in the same place during the same interchange). Keep it about behavior versus the person, and about how you feel, not how the behavior "makes" you feel.

If you cannot identify your predominant feeling (for all I know it could make you feel sad because your mother sounded similar and you miss her and you don't like being reminded of your mother because you don't want to feel the feeling of missing her!) use the closest one you can find/identify. But keep it about you, not about her!

Explore (with yourself, not necessarily out loud) what is is about the tone of voice that triggers you. I might feel anxious or sorry for your girlfriend if I thought she sounded bitter, that's an entirely different reaction from yours? I might be inclined to say, "When you use that tone of voice, I feel anxious." (as if I've done something wrong) or, "When you use that tone of voice, I feel like comforting you." (as if she's been disappointed and, since I love her, I want to comfort her). But keep to a particular behavior "out there" and then couple it to your feeling inside.

It's about your life and how you live it and how you feel about certain behaviors/circumstances that happen to occur, not someone else's life and how they live or feel. You can only guide yourself, tell others about yourself and how you feel but then it's up to them to respond and hopefully how they choose to respond is in a way so your response is a good feeling. But no one else can know/cause your feelings; it's all about sharing and hoping those we love and who love us respond in ways we enjoy/feel good around.
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