Does anyone else feel this way? I have everything I could ever want and yet I dread waking up in the morning.

A little backstory: I go to school part time and work part time and am currently on disability for bipolar and PTSD. I feel bad that I had to apply for disability, but I simply couldn't make enough money to pay for rent and groceries after a forced hospital visit in December '08, about six months before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The stress and med changes/side effects made me unable to work for more than a day and a half on good weeks. I spent all my free time doing my school work and that was extremely stressful even though I've only ever had 2 classes at a time.

Now it's summer and I still work a day to a day and a half per week. The rest of the time I am anxious and depressed and not sure what to do with myself even though I have tons of things I could be doing. All of the options make me freeze. I go online, check my email, eat breakfast, and then bam, there are still 5 hours until I can take my afternoon walk. The time terrifies me. I'm not a lazy person. I worked yesterday and the day before that I painted and biked and hiked. Other days I write and read and watch movies. But still, under it all I am depressed and anxious. Even when I'm "killing time" I'm thinking about the next block of time that I'll have to kill and it overwhelms me.

My p-doc prescribed an anti-anxiety benzo which I'm taking only when I really need it. I've also started back on an anti-depressant because I came off of it by myself in mid-May, but obviously I still need something in that category with my depression spiking over the past week. I had been on 6 meds in April, was down to just 1 psych med (Geodon) a week ago. Now I'm up to 3 again with Wellbutrin and diazepam. They are barely helping, but perhaps I haven't given them enough time to kick in.

Just looking for some support. I wish I could stop worrying about time. It's not even a physical entity. It's a physics dimension. Time seems to be my enemy. Most people want more of it. I wish I had something all consuming like when I was manic last summer with all of my projects so that time was my friend again. Okay, I'll stop now. Thanks for any thoughts.