I'm in MA and I have fully subsidized health insurance (til I get a job, income, etc). But they allow they 12 visits per year to a "mental health care management group" which may or may not even have an actual pdoc on staff. I've been bounced around like a pinball and still not seen a pdoc. The 12 visits include anything at all--even therapy, an administrative appt for new doc, etc. After that I won't be able to afford it. It I could EVER get to see a pdoc I could go once a month or so for med management.

I've had two separate docs click "no substitutions" on it, but I got a letter in the mail today from my health ins co saying that their policy is that unless you are allergic (documented allergy) to an inactive ingredient that is not in the brand name the answer will always be no. You can appeal, but generally unless you suddenly become allergic to it you're a screwed. The med will cost me $186 a month with a drug store discount they offered me (down from $208), but I'm unemployed, have no income, and am seriously dependent on people for even things like food.

Since going back on the generic it's gotten worse and worse every day. Today I had to be watched all day because I was obsessed with killing myself, coming up with so many ways to do it, and crying/freaking out/sobbing/ and the rest of the time being catatonic. I've eaten a few times this week and just care about nothing. I'm not just depressed, though. This is a very very VERY mixed state sort of thing mixed with pure bipolar depression. I don't know what to do. I have exhausted all my resources. I'm teetering on actually killing myself. Something changed in me today. I died. I realized my bones are filled with sadness and that my legs and arms are sorrow. I wear lead boots. I'm nobody and there's no one left in there.

Decided today to hospitalize myself (would be the first time), but I don't even know how. Do I just show up? Do I have to call my insurance first? My primary care doc (who I saw once for a physical)? I have no idea what to do or how to do it and my fingers are exhausted from writing this.

I don't know what to do except die. And I want to die. Not the death part or the violence or the selfishness of leaving behind a teenager, but the end of this bipolar nightmare. I might get through tonight, but I'm doubtful about tomorrow. Even if I go into a hospital I have to wait a week or so. I have a surgical procedure scheduled for next Fri that must be done. It's medically urgent, can't wait, and have to take the appt I could get. After that? But if I don't seem "in crisis" will they tell me to go home? God I need help. I need help I need help.