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I began to respond to this thread a few days ago, but was interrupted by mother nature.
When I first read it, I actually wondered for a second if you were my husband that created an account lol. I cannot speak for your wife, but I can explain why these things set me off.
A spot on the carpet for example, how long is it going to sit there before someone takes care of it? Maybe you don't care if you wear clothes with wrinkles, but women of our age see it as... being unclean. If the laundry isn't folded properly then it has to be ironed, MORE work for me! It can be SO frustrating that no one will listen UNTIL I throw a hissy fit.
My husband and children are truly amazing people, but they can be absolute slobs. It's very distressing to me to have clutter about. And when it comes down to it, we're a family, if you don't pick up after yourself out of common courtesy, or respect of property, do it to decrease my anxiety and distress.
Here is the story I was going to tell you when Mother Nature demanded my attention. My middle son is an extremely kind, caring, empathetic person. He's a straight A Honors student, works a full time job, he is witty and a joy to be around. Lately his room has been absolutely trashed. His room, his problem right? Well I walk by his room every day and it makes me insane. His twin's room has recently been redone so he's been spending most of his time there. His room is next so he's been putting off cleaning it until it's time for the redo.
Six months ago-
Hubby to twins: You boys really need to do something about that room. There's no excuse for it to be that bad. Give me 15 minutes a night of sorting and cleaning and you'll be done in no time.
To be honest my husband could care less what their room looks like. He just knows that this is one of my triggers and is attempting to head it off at the pass.
Last week-
Me in conversational tone: You're off today and tomorrow, are you going to put some time in on your room today so you can have tomorrow to yourself?
Son: Yeah, I'm almost done, I'll finish it up today. (This I know is not true, even if he worked on it non-stop, he has a minimum of three days work on it).
Several hours later-
Me in normal tone: Really, I'm not kidding, I want you to get some work done on that room.
Son in irritated tone: Mom, I told you that I planned on working on it today and I will. If I start late, I can work late, I'm off tomorrow.
Son a couple hours later: Mom, can I go to the movies tonight?
Me in normal tone: Absolutely not, you're not going anywhere until I can see your floor. I'm almost finished with the laundry you'd better have all of the laundry out of your room, if you wait until all the hampers are finished and bring me a mountain of laundry again you'll be on laundry duty for a month.
An hour later I went to start another load of clothes and discovered him in his brother's room playing video games. It is now 4 pm, not a single thing has been done in the room.
I had been having a good day but when I saw that boy playing video games I lost it. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed I just didn't know what to do. I didn't say a word to him, I turned around and walked back upstairs because I didn't want to discuss it while I was in that state of mind.
The point I'm trying to make is that no one LISTENS until I'm in such a state. Well they may listen, but they don't move.
The rest of the story as Paul Harvey would say is that his room has the attic access. My son put some time in his room, it's not clean by any means, but you can see the floor. Last Tuesday you could not even open the door. Wednesday evening the Fire Department had to go into the attic to make sure the fire had not started the insulation on fire. He was embarrassed that they had to see his room as it was, but it was a million times better than it had been the day before.
You mention "her specifications". There is a thing in my house that is actually quite simple, but NO ONE seems to grasp the concept. They all think it's a tick and I'm being unreasonable.
We are a family of six, with usually three or more other teens sleeping here at any given time. The amount of towels we go through in a day would blow your mind. In order for them to fit in the linen closet, they must be folded a specific way. Nothing elaborate, the same way you would find a towel folded in a hotel.
I like all of the fold edges to the right so you grab one corner and get one towel. If they're mismashed, you have no idea how many you're grabbing. Now in my family, if they grab three towels and only need two, the third usually gets either shoved haphazardly back on the shelf creating an avalanch when you open the door, or on the floor kicked to the back of the closet and end up having to be re-washed by ME.
I DO get a calming feeling when I open my linen closet and everything is put away perfectly. But I have a perfectly logical explaination for why I want it done that way.
I for one do not think it is unreasonable to expect your family to pick up after themselves (age appropriate of course). If you spill something, clean it up! If you take the sissors from the drawer PUT THEM BACK so they will be there the next time you need them (I have a secret set, that have been in the same place for 20 years). If you don't follow these simple little things there is chaos! And who do you expect to help you find your jacket, brief case, misplaced book report or sissors? ME! I'm supposed stop what I'm doing to help you fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place.
I love my family more than life itself, but some days the only thing that keeps me going is heading off into my bedroom which may need to be dusted, but everything is where it belongs. I'm not going to find a random candy wrapper or soda can in my bed.
So my advice would be actually sit down in a family meeting and discuss what the expectations are in a calm way. What compromises can be made and what consequences will occur if each family member does not comply.
I would bet money that your wife very much dislikes being in that state of mind any more than the rest of you like seeing her that way.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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