My wonderful partner went this morning after I had a total meltdown--threw all my meds away, threw important and fragile belongings into walls, screamed and cried, and told him to go away so I could go through my stuff to throw out sensitive private stuff I didn't want people to see after i was dead. He was, of course, terrified, and left to go run an "errand" (after I repeatedly screamed for him to get out get out get out and even--and I'm so ashamed of this because it's NOT like me--pushed him hard when he tried to touch me). Turned out his errand was to go drop the $186 on my precious Lamictal. I took it (150 mg) and maybe it's placebo, but I feel ok again. Still exhausted, still sort of sad, very very embarrassed for my behavior, but so grateful and I'm lucky to be so loved. I'm still going into the hospital after my medical procedure (which has to do with hormones that very well may be not helping at all).

Tomorrow I'm making a sick visit appt w/ my primary care doc to request adding topamax. I've researched it a lot and I think it may be a good idea. She did give me klonopin but only 30 a month and when I have bad bad depressive episodes it takes 2-3 a day to just get by. On good days I take none. The real lamictal seemed to eliminate my need for klon at all.

Then I will be on 150 mg Lamictal, 300 mg (twice a day Wellbutrin), Klonopin as needed (I get 2 mg tablets, but like I said they don't last so I cut them in halves or ever quarters if I think it will work ok that way...I can always add another quarter later or whatever--I HAVE to make it last), and hopefully topamax. (Well, plus metformin for diabetes and synthroid for low thyroid). I also just started taking 5 grams of omega 3s daily. I also take a multi-vitamin, B-complex, and iron 3x a week as I'm slightly anemic.) I'm willing to try to spread my wings and freaking FLY if it might help. Or eat rocks. Or really anything. This is every level of hell in my head and every bad bad person lives in there (metaphorically).

I should get in to see a shrink for med management (within the next few months--ugh) and I'm going to ask for ECT. It's a long shot probably, but worth asking.

Thank you for your support. This may be far from over (my brain is still full of ****ed up, wacky, and BIZARRE thoughts, but it is the first day on the real Lamictal), but it usually works immediately but for now I'm ok and have my partner with me in case anything should happen.

I'm also appealing the decision with my ins co to deny me the med, even if I have to bombard every person in the company and even if I look like a fool. This is life and death. This med WORKS for me and I know how rare that can me.

I hope the topamax is prescribed. I cycle VERY ULTRA RAPIDLY between major depression and mixed states with psychotic features (hypomania and mania? Yeah, right--not anymore). I need the anti-depressant boost. Once I get into a deep major depression the mixed states come and go, but deep depression is the normal.

Thank you again so much. Having this place to come to and not be alone in this hell means the world.

God, I hate depending on meds. When I'm ok, I can use other tools from the toolbox--yoga, exercise, meditations, writing, projects, baking...things I usually love. But when I'm down, I'm just plain OUT.