OldSoul: I was told that because I have went untreated for 10+ years, I have engraved a thought process patterns and engraved in my mind a way of life that will take time to "re wire". It made it hard to even talk about things and explain, as topics like "episodes" came up... I never had them, it was just a constant for me, I never understood half the things that are normally discussed. Now that I am getting "better" I can somewhat see "episodes"... guess that's a good thing though... I don't know.

A few more thoughts for you OldSoul. The first is that as people digest and begin to understand what their experiences have been all about, they develop ways of explaining it to themselves. For example, I much prefer the terms "ego collapse" and "fragmentation crisis" to describe the experience that other people call psychosis. While you are developing your own sense of understanding, it's normal to feel a bit confused and even desirable as this is what keeps you looking for answers.

The second is that we can all fall into patterns of behavior and it may take time to "re-wire" ourselves when we're breaking free of them. Something I have found very useful for myself is understanding the role of triggers. It's when we get triggered by something that we can go into "automatic pilot" and then, these patterns of behavior can become activated. As you work with your own experiences, try to see if you can notice any particular pattern that serves to trigger you. Then, if you can, try to trace those triggers back to the original trauma -- whatever it was that set that particular scenario up as a trigger for you.

Naturally, this is where a relationship with a caring therapist or alternate such as a support group can come in handy. Because they are not as emotionally attached to the triggering events these other people may be able to see the patterns more easily. They also may be able to help you defuse the energy/thought pattern associated with the original trauma as well as help you develop coping skills for dealing with any re-triggering events.

Don't lose sight of the fact either that people do get through these things. This kind of processing also tends to be cyclic -- you deal with something, feel you've gained some new ground, move forward, and then, it comes up again and you deal with it once more, at a slightly deeper level and from a slightly different perspective.