I've had some time to think about it. . .

and I just don't know if I can get past this latest rupture with my t.

maybe it seems like no big deal to some here. . .

but giving your heart over in an email. . .

telling your t how important your therapy is for you, and how much your t means to you. . .

and them saying "I don't have time to reply to this."

It's just . . . wrong.

To me, it's wrong.

I've tried to see it another way. I've been reading people's responses. i understand t's getting busy. And i even understand the "not doing therapy outside the office" policy and the concern over things not being confidential in email.

But to me, riding above all of that is the idea of Basic Human Kindness.

In my heart, i don't think it's right, when somebody expresses some kind of heartfelt attachment feelings, for the other person to fail to respond with "I'm too busy to respond to this."

It is not that hard to say "Thank you for your thoughts." or "I appreciate what you've said."

I don't care how busy a person is. Anybody can take 30 seconds to do that. And if the person chooses not to, then there's a reason for that, and a potential problem.

Can you imagine a friend sending you a card, telling you how special you are to them and how much you love them. . .

and you call them up and say "You know, I don't have time to respond to this."

Or how about if you did something nice for your neighbor, and they sent you a Thank You card. Would you follow it up with "I'm too busy to read this."

Would you think they cared about you at all? Or that you were important to them even in the least bit?

I wouldn't.

And yeah, I know a t isn't a friend or a neighbor. But i still have always wanted and hoped for it to be a real relationship, not just a set-up fake one. I've wanted to believe my t cared when she said she did. At times she has seemed to care and i believed and felt that care.

But now I don't know. This canned, clinical response to my heartfelt sentiments has made me feel like i need to re-evaluate everything.

Maybe i've fooled myself into thinking my t cares more about me than she really does. Now i wonder if the caring stops when the door shuts. Maybe i've told her how much she means to me too many times, so the words are hollow and mean nothing. So that when i'm trying to express my feelings of gratitude and attachment in an email, and wanting her to feel touched in return. . .what really happens is she sees the email and rolls her eyes, while thinking, "Oh brother. Not again!! I don't have time for this!!!"

I keep thinking about somebody's post. . .I'm trying to remember who know. . .but their words are sticking in my mind. . .where they said that t's aren't the same attentive, caring individuals outside our sessions as they are during our sessions. That returning phone calls and emails is just part of the job duties, nothing personal.

Maybe that poster is right. Maybe it's true. Because when my t and I talked about her brief, terse phone message saying she was too busy to respond, i said her tone of voice in her message was kind of cold and clinical. It did not sound warm, or like anything i'd said in my email message had touched her at all. And she admitted that when she called me, she was "completely in business mode." And her voice and tone, it just wasn't the same as it is during that hour. And it makes me wonder if the warmth during the hour is put on.

I dunno. I just feel "yuck." I'm afraid my t just isn't able to care about me as much as i want her to. I'm afraid that by letting myself think that finally, this time, after all my disappointments and rejections in relationships, that THIS TIME, things are different. . .somebody really cares deeply for me as a person. . .maybe it is all a crock.

I'm starting to think my t is just pretending to care about me for a time period to make me feel better about myself and go out and bond with others. But she knows she's only temporary in my life. So she doesn't ever let herself bond or feel attached in return. She just lets me believe that she cares for me more than she does because i've been so empty and broken and need to believe somebody gives a crap. So it's a pity thing.

So i go along in my happy fantasy that we have a "close" relationship. But when something like this email situation comes up, it blows open the fantasy i have that she cares deeply for me as a person. . . any belief that my expressions of attachment to her mean anything more than a burden. . .another email to roll her eyes at and heave a heavy sigh, while thinking, "Oh brother. Not again! I don't have time for this!"

I just feel . . .sick.

All my life, I've just ever wanted someone to love that hurting, vulnerable part of me. . .or at least to know i mean something more to someone than just a dust ball in the corner. . .to think that child part of me could be significant or important in somebody's eyes and not just a big annoyance or burden.

but now i feel that under the surface, with my t, it's just all the same as it's ever been for me since i was a child with my parents. I'm "too much," my emotions are "too much," my needs are "too much." And the worst part of it is i know it's true.

I don't want to get my hopes up anymore that the child part of me will ever mean anything to anyone. All i do is blow up a big balloon of hope, only for it to pop later, and show me that in reality i am invisible and mean nothing.