So, I have that sinking feeling that I am going down into that darn hole again. You know how that goes. Pdoc took me off of my vyvanse last week for add/adhd so that made me a mess to start with. All the channels in my head are getting loud and fuzzy again. I can't think straight and the most mundane tasks are making me nervous and overwhelmed. I had this feeling last week when I saw him that my meds weren't working as well as they should anyway. I tried to tell him that I was feeling kind of anxiety ridden, but he just wrote it off as being stressed from my marital issues. Every time I go he asks me the series of questions and how I rate how I feel AT THE MOMENT, which I think is stupid because surprise! bipolars can feel different from day to day, or in my case moment to moment. I don't understand how that can be a diagnostic tool.

I have been on quite a few meds, mostly the common ones (lamictal, lithium, topomax, symbyax, seroquel, prozac, zoloft) to name a few. My current dr seems to only prescribe me ones that are actually fda approved for bp issues. Maybe the drug manufacturers are lining his pockets, maybe I am just being paranoid. I don't know anymore. Maybe some of you can suggest some meds to me that I don't know about.

Yesterday I had a freaking panic attack that started out about the laundry. Then it escalated into being so upset because I realized that I am always going to be fighting this uphill battle. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. I feel like I am doomed to be a terrible mother. She shouldn't have to deal with a messed up person like me as her mom. She and my husband are the only reason I get up everyday. Please tell me that I am not the only one to have felt like this, and it will pass.