Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
I dunno. I just feel "yuck." I'm afraid my t just isn't able to care about me as much as i want her to. I'm afraid that by letting myself think that finally, this time, after all my disappointments and rejections in relationships, that THIS TIME, things are different. . .somebody really cares deeply for me as a person. . .maybe it is all a crock.
I'm starting to think my t is just pretending to care about me for a time period to make me feel better about myself and go out and bond with others. But she knows she's only temporary in my life. So she doesn't ever let herself bond or feel attached in return. She just lets me believe that she cares for me more than she does because i've been so empty and broken and need to believe somebody gives a crap. So it's a pity thing.
So i go along in my happy fantasy that we have a "close" relationship. But when something like this email situation comes up, it blows open the fantasy i have that she cares deeply for me as a person. . . any belief that my expressions of attachment to her mean anything more than a burden. . .another email to roll her eyes at and heave a heavy sigh, while thinking, "Oh brother. Not again! I don't have time for this!"
I just feel . . .sick.
All my life, I've just ever wanted someone to love that hurting, vulnerable part of me. . .or at least to know i mean something more to someone than just a dust ball in the corner. . .to think that child part of me could be significant or important in somebody's eyes and not just a big annoyance or burden.
but now i feel that under the surface, with my t, it's just all the same as it's ever been for me since i was a child with my parents. I'm "too much," my emotions are "too much," my needs are "too much." And the worst part of it is i know it's true.
I don't want to get my hopes up anymore that the child part of me will ever mean anything to anyone. All i do is blow up a big balloon of hope, only for it to pop later, and show me that in reality i am invisible and mean nothing.
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Oh no, I think this is big and I get it. If this is your default setting and you got a glimpse that maybe, just maybe that setting is incorrect, it really hurts when it feels like it's reset back to the original.
Your T's response, though likely well-intended, unintentionally reinforced what you were trying to "unthink".
But I don't think it was with malice of forethought, or with any kind of "oh god, not this again".
I think she simply made a mistake. A simple mistake. It happens.
Out of all of your therapy, is this mistake sufficient to throw the whole thing away? The caring you've felt, the good time you've spent with her, the progress you've made?
I've been in very similar situations with my T and the pain is very very real. Believe me, the desire to run, point the finger at the mistake and say "aHA! see I was right all along! Nobody cares!" is very strong. It's what I was programmed to do.
I chose to stay in the relationship, fight through the rupture with my T, and have come out the other side a lot better for it.
One mistake does not have to derail anything and it doesn't have to undo all the good that has been done.
I think in many ways, the relationship with our Ts is simultaneously completely different, yet exactly the same as other relationships we have in our lives.
Both kinds of relationships are marked with a lot of joy and caring, and a lot of heartache and disappointment.
Sometimes it's about absorbing the hurt, talking about and forgiving the mistakes, and finding ways to avoid them in the future. Well, until the next one comes along.
Your T, in this case, should be responsive, open to how you feel about what happened, and apologetic.
THis doesn't have to be the end, or mean she doesn't care.
Peace to you.
