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I'm not sure why it is so hard for me to base my feelings about the relationship on the "whole" of the relationship, and not just whatever happened at the most recent encounter between us. It must be a cognitive flaw or something about the way my brain works. Because there can be 5 good things that happened, but when a bad thing comes along, my first tendency is to doubt the authenticity of the previous 5 good things. Like, if my t told me 5 times before that she cares about me, and then she makes a comment that hurts me, I don't think, "Well, she has expressed caring 5 times, so the 1 hurtful comment can be overlooked." Instead, what my mind says is, "Since she just said that hurtful comment, then apparently when she said she cared those previous times, she didn't mean it." It is as though the bad thing cancels out everything good before it.
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I do the same thing, peaches. EXACTLY. In the moment when my T shows me she cares, I believe it. But soon it starts to not feel real. Sure, she meant it then, but does she mean it NOW? And if something bad happens, well, that just "proves" it, she might have cared at one time, but she doesn't any more.
I think it's something about object permanence, but I don't really know. I wish I could fix that about myself, because it keeps me in a constant state of insecurity.
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She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said.
~Brian Andreas