I didnt know where to post it, so in here it goes.
Im just feeling so down lately, I'm giving up on caring which isnt good, because its caring about how im treating others and myself that im giving up on.
because of my relationships with people, im feeling so down, and that leads to SI. im trying so hard right now not to do it. and not going to, but i did last night i was worse last night than i am now. because last night i was so numb i did SI but tonight im not as numb, as ive realised i need a distraction.

this part really belongs on the relationship section actually, but i am not rephrasing or moving it, because in my mind i have decided that it doesnt matter enough for me to do. im sorry.

I like a guy, he likes me, woo, plain sailing from there aint it? no. he lives in england. i have liked this guy for 2 years now, and i cant go out with him, and to show my feelings for him to myself i have made a handmade braclet i wear and everything, which shows that not only do i like him, but im a lil obsessed with him. and he found out i like him and told me he would actually date me if i lived in england, and that he has liked me since the moment he saw me. we talk on the phone for hours (free calls rule) and cant seem to have enough of talking to each other.
that may seem good, but its not.
i just miss him so much, and its killing me. to forget him, i SI.
i decided i need to forget about him, to get him out of my life, before i end up getting hurt. because we agreed it would be best we seen other people unless we lived closer. so if i do find out he starts dating another, ill probably break.

and to forget him ive had to get rid of anything reminding me of him, so all texts and everything have been deleted, and i couldnt bear to lose my braclet, so i put it under my pillow this morning.
but last night i was thinking of how could i forget him? and the only answer i could come up with is... you know.. being dead. and i feel so stupid now. because.. i may have planned things i shouldnt have.. like what i would do and where..
it didnt help then last night i dreamt of him. i always dream of him. so far every dream i rememeber over the past 3 months have had him in them.
last night i dreamt i was spending the last day i could with him, and that he then chheated on me, but in my dream i didnt care, because he was still with me at the same time.

i feel so stupid, that im this hurt because a guy likes me back, we can just never be together unless we move closer, and i cant move yet, im only a teen. but i cant take it, that i cant be with him. its hurting me to much. and i cant let him go, and i cant keep him in my mind, and my friend isnt being here for me for some reason i dont know, and i have no one to turn to, and i just cant take this anymore. if i wasnt typing i would be doing SI right now, which is why this is so long, because if i stop im afraid of what im going to do.
i really hate myself for this, for letting myself go so far.
and i just dont know what im doing, or what i should do, or what i am meant to be doing, but i cant take losing him. i cant take just forgetting him. that is never going to happen. i havent seen him in 6 months, and i havent forgot him in the slightest.
i can remember every single tiny feeling that i felt the first time i even saw him 2 years ago. i can remember every single detail of it. what he wore and everything. if im to forget him, how long will it take? i dont know but i cant.