TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions two s words.....



suicide

and



sex

and it also discusses abandonment and verbal arguments.

I can't understand WHY I do the things I do, but this one is driving me crazy and everyone else, as well. It's threatening to ruin my reputation, my relationships, my self respect, and my life. I was so stressed out and cried all night last night. I am still stressed and now avoiding people, which will only make things worse. I really need help understanding why I behave this way. I know this is a long post, but please advise. I really need the help. I'll divide this into three parts- background (of me to explain some things), the problem, and examples of said problem.

The Problem:

I generally refuse to say no to people I like, and I struggle to admit that I've done anything that would upset a friend or acquaintance that I am getting friendly with, even when I know I HAVE done this thing. In other words, I lie. Yet, I have no problem doing things that will upset them AND I actually make things worse by my refusal to say no and by my lies about wrong doings. It is getting EXTREME, too.

In addition to this, when I am in a bad situation of my own making I can't seem to ask for help because I'll have to admit that I've done something that would upset them, and instead I allow the situation to get worse and worse by not speaking up, while it continually degrades and eventually it all comes spilling out, anyways. Also, I often will not complain when someone does something that bothers me because if I argue, I fear they will leave or like me less. Instead, I stuff it down until it all explodes, right over top of their heads. In the past, I had anger issues, but at least, when I was mad, you heard about it right away. Now, I don't get angry easily, but I neglect to speak up when I am upset and might manage being calm in my complains, and this causes me to end up very angry after some time of stuffing it down, and stuffing it down, until the last straw hits.

Background:

I never considered myself a big people pleaser because when I was younger, I would do or wear things that people thought were weird, but I liked them. I will still do that. I don't normally cave to peer pressure, either. I turned down drugs in highschool, many, many times. I also turned down drugs recently, and I am (Sadly) a fair amount older now. I also insisted on using condoms or not having sex when one lover told me he didn't like to use them. Anyway, when I was younger, I would let people know how I felt about issues even when it wasn't popular or would downright anger people. I still do that, but not as much as I should. I am working on an issue that is seen as very controversial in my area (though it shouldn't be controversial). I never considered myself a suck up. However, something has definitely changed and it is bad. I think the issue is, it is getting difficult for me to turn someone down IF I'm getting close to them- upsetting the general populace is no big deal.

I thought at first I was lying and going along with people in order to do one of two things- 1. Avoid the discomfort and anxiety of dealing with them being angry at me for the moment, and to appear like a better person than I am, though it will come back to bite my butt later, or 2. To avoid dissapointing and upsetting people, and because I am afraid people won't like me anymore if I don't. To give a little background on that last part, I have been abandoned before, abruptly and without explanation. But I've realized, I once actually abandoned a friend myself- something that is rather unlike me, as I tend to be loyal, if nothing else- just to avoid having to say no to her over something STUPID that she prob. would have understood. In light of that, it makes me wonder if this behavior has ANYTHING to do with wanting to avoid abandonment, if I am willing to abandon simply to avoid saying no or enduring confrontation.

I regret abandoning my friend, but I haven't contacted her because I am ashamed and don't know how to explain to her why I did what I did.

I should prob. say I grew up chronically and deeply ashamed, and I also struggle with self loathing, and while my family was supportive and not abusive, they did have anger issues and we had some pretty bad verbal arguments. I'm not sure if it's relevant.

I did not normally consider myself a liar because I thought I was pretty honest and open with friends, and I still think I am with most of them. Usually, unless it is a little white lie (something to avoid hurt feelings) or sometimes a small lie to protect myself such as saying (when I'm running late) that I'm not as far away on the road as I really am (after which I try to rush there or blame delays on traffic or something that crops up but was minor- I exaggerate it). I do this because I am a chronic and extreme procrastinator and am always late, and people get so upset with me, this sometimes buys me temp. leniancy and other times altogether gets me off the hook. I've tried just being honest about that before, but I never improved my behavior, nor completely understood it, and honesty didn't seem to help that situation. I am as honest as it gets with about one or two friends, however. Anyway, I recently realized I'm starting to lie about big things that are getting me into deep crap because I don't want to admit to my bad behavior, nor do I want to say no to things. At this point, I feel like liar defines who I am and I have only felt that way for the last couple days. It is such a dirty feeling.

Examples of behavior:

1. Recently, I was supposed to send out for something VERY important and it has a time limit on it. I told someone I did, but the truth was, I was simply planning to and didn't want them to know I was late doing it as usual. But then I had problems and it looked like it wasn't going to happen. This thing is MAJOR. So, instead of asking for help, I thought, I'll fix this somehow, but I hadn't yet. I told my friend to NOT say a word about it till I fixed it, and they told our mutual friend a bit about it, anyway, but not enough for her to KNOW I lied. So now she wants involved and called to offer help- well insisted really- but I didn't want to say I lied about something, so I lied even more to keep her from knowing I lied to begin with. Now she wants me to give her something today that I don't have and can't get today most likely, and now she will know I lied to her and then lied to her again to cover up. I am SO ashamed it is ridiculous. I feel like I don't even know who I am. Who is this liar? This totally unreliable person who can't even be honest and say I've not been the most reliable in this situation before she drags everyone else down with her? At least in the past I would have said I'd messed up. Why can't I do that anymore? I am so stressed out I've cried all night over this.

2. I can't talk to my boyfriend about #1, even though I've admitted some pretty personal things to him, I fear if I tell him about #1, he will lose respect for me. Even though I was stressed out and needed a friend, I did not tell him about this, afraid he'd care less for me. Well, if the friend from #1 finds out, he will know because she is our mutual friend. And I know he knows more about it than I wanted him to. And I imagine he is judging me right now as I am avoiding talking to the person from #1 and he knows it and now she will be angry with me, too. Avoidance makes everything worse. And last night I was so upset about all this, that I fantasized (don't worry I won't do it) about taking a bunch of pills and dying in my sleep so I wouldn't have to admit I'd lied or let people down, or that I'm some psychotic bi**h. To tell you the truth, it almost seemed like a good idea, but I didn't want to hurt my mother, or leave my pet- and I didn't have the guts. And I'm not planning on it.

3. This one isn't recent, but is the first extreme example I noticed. It happened about 6 years ago. I actually abandoned one friend to avoid this. It was so stupid and such a mean time. I had never had problems saying no before- not that I'd noticed. In fact, I had a temper and usually had no prob. saying what I thought and then some. But she wanted me to come to her party and I said sure, but then I found out some guy was going to be there whom I had serious issues with and didn't want to be around, and also there would be smoking and I didn't want to be around smoke.

I used to not have any issue telling people they shouldn't expect others to breathe their cig. smoke, but I guess I've been brainwashed because everyone here smokes including my family and they make it sound like it's a horrible thing for you to ask for the respect, to not have cancerous smoke blown in your face or even your baby's face when at public events or even in no smoke buildings where someone is disobeying the signs. While I normally think that is BS, we've all been cowed into not saying anything and heck, this was her PARTY. How could I ask her not to have smoking at her own party? And how could I say I wouldn't be there because I thought I shouldn't have to be around it and wasn't comfortable? I should have said no or just went, but I just didn't quit talking to her. Very unlike me to walk away, but I did. And I was too big of a coward to call and apologize later because I'd have to talk to her about wronging her.

4. A casual friend of mine whom I'd like to keep around, recently got very flirty. I liked that, but I don't want to be with him that way. I just appreciated the compliment. However, I'd rather not lead him on, but I can't seem to tell him I don't like him that way. He hasn't asked or I would tell him something. I'd let him know if he straight out asked, but I've always been embarassed to be presumptuous and think a guy liked me- always scared I'm wrong about it. Even when it's obvious. But the other day, he put his hand on my leg a little and even on my back and touched my side, where my shirt had pulled up a little (on one side) and touched my skin on my side). I was terribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't seem to say, "Please don't touch me there." If he had tried to kiss me or touch me somewhere really erogenous, I know I would speak up, but this...I just couldn't seem to say anything. It surprised me really that I didn't say anything, but I struggled with it.

5. My good friend for about 13-15 years, has really pulled away for the last two. I have a big issue however, with asking people for more attention because I feel like, if they really liked me, they would give me that. If I have to ask, they do it out of obligation or trying to keep me around, not genuine desire to be with me. Also, I don't like to tell people when I feel they don't want to be friends and act too needy because I am ashamed to act like I care, when I know the other person doesn't. So, I struggled forever just to tell her I thought she was slipping away as a friend. I finally managed to send her a Myspace message. She didn't read it and the few times she talked to me while it rotted in her inbox, I never said anything bad. When she calls, I try to act treat it like everything is good and we are the same as before. She finally had a mutual friend "give [her] the gist of the letter" over the phone, and then delete it, so she still doesn't exactly know what it says.

6. I love my bf, but I have let him do things that upset me because I didn't want to lose someone I loved again, and thought I had to be a ***** eater to avoid it and to make sure he likes me. But then I got fed up and hurt and just went off the deep end on him and it was terrible. I was mean, I didn't want to accept apologies or offers to do better, I was angry and I was spilling multiple things on him from then and the past. I feel bad about it now, and know it prob. would have been avoided had I been honest before that I was upset by some of his actions.

7. Right now, I really want to abandon my material posessions- a lot of them, anyway- and go live in a tent. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what I want to do, and no I am not 12. I am an adult. I want to build a house, but the tent is for temp. shelter while building a house. A friend of mine said he'd help me. He has land to put it on, he has free lumber, and he's willing to do labor, as is another friend of ours, and a carpenter he knows. But I can't seem to tell my mother, who has given me for years, far more support than she is legally or socially expected to do, that I want to do this. I feel I owe her because of all she has done, and I know she would be scared so bad she couldn't sleep if she knew I was in a tent by myself at night for that long, and she would also freak if she knew I was with a man (religious issues), and she would be upset and not understand my desire to just get rid of some things and live more basically.

Please help I don't know what is wrong with me. I am beyond disgusted with myself. I hate this person that I seem to be and have no idea how my bf could love me or how my friend could respect me after today. I honestly am starting to question my very identity and self worth over this. I have tried to figure out solutions to get out of this. Money would help. If I didn't have a boyfriend, at this point, I might be willing to prostitute myself (again NO I will not do this because I DO have a boyfriend) just to dig myself out of having to say I lied and I let you down and now we're in a big mess. If I had the money and an extra day or two, I could FIX the mess...but not myself. And yes, I know how messed up that is.