It seems like lately there have been alot of posts on here about the brand vs generic. I was/am going through the same thing as some of the posters. First time I tried it was a couple of years ago and I felt human again, the colors were well, colors again! I was taking the brand, I don't think that generic was available yet. I don't remember why I stopped taking it, I think I ended up changing jobs and not having insurance anymore. Anyway, this time around, and I barely notice a change in my swings. If anything, I got worse. I am taking 200mg, surely it should work, right? Of course, it's generic and I really think there is something to it.

I went to the pdoc today (second time in a week), and kinda told him that the rating scale was ridiculous to use on a bipolar person, especially a rapid cycling one. Long story short he wrote me a new script for brand only. Thank GOD, I really am crossing my fingers that it works. It is flipping expensive and I just made it with my insurance. Tomorrow, my policy changes and I would have been screwed. I did have to argue with walgreens and my insurance company, but I really hope this is it. I am feeling like how in the **** is it fair that I have to live like this for the rest of my life!!?? Always fighting for my meds because of greedy bastards in the pharmaceutical companies. I Don't think I can fight much longer. It's no wonder that so many people with mental disorders commit suicide! No one is willing to stop lining their pockets to actually save a few lives. I am so mad right now about all this, I wish there was some group of people that lobby this to all the politicians. I really want to be a part of that. I feel horrible some people that can't get the meds they need for whatever reasons. I would send you mine if I could!

On a bizarre note, I was talking to my father today, and I guess he got the sense that I was at the end of my rope. He said something that really put things in perspective. Please finish what I write before you think this is wrong. He said that the the most primal human instinct is to survive. He said that it takes a very strong willed and brave person to fight that instinct and commit suicide. He then said that if you have that much strength to take your own life than you have enough courage to stand and fight whatever is causing you to hurt so bad that you would want to take your life in the first place. I don't know why but that resonated deep within me. I have never thought of it like that before. Facing our demons is actually the easier choice than dying, even though it may not seem like it at the time. Just some food for thought. Tell me if you agree or disagree.

I hope you all are well tonight (well, as well as can be expected ). I just made my husband a great meal and he is still irritated with me for being so mean today, so my feeling are a little hurt, but oh well.