at least once a week i drive bye the house i grew up in as i go to therapy.it is now abandoned and overgrown and slowley falling appart.i think about my room a lot.as a punishment the mother use to put me in my room for days at a time.when i was younger the door use to have a hook and eye lock on the outside.as i got older i just knew enough not to come out or i would get beat and brought back to the room.in some ways it was isolating but in a lot of ways it became a safe place for me when i was older.as a young child i have flashes of me crying histerically and banging on the door and turning the door knob.screaming for the mother or my brother depending if it was morning.i remember i use to wet my pants.the mother wouldnt let me out to go to the bathroom.i would get punished more for that.i remember the mother comming through the door and throwing me on the bedgrabbing off my pants and underwear and forcing diapers on me telling me how i'm acting like a baby i need to be treated like one etc...i think the diiapers were just her way of being able to keep me in the room longer i remember being obsessed with having to go to the bathroom in huge panics.i dont have a lot of memories of this when i was young it is more like flashes so i know it happened and the mother confermed some of it.i remember she would lock me in it every night so i couldnt get out.i remember my brother use to use his desk chair and a cowboy gun to hit the lock to unlock it in the morning so i could get out and when i was being punished he would do the same thing to bring me food that the mother sent.the mother would never come to the room unless i was in more trouble.for wetting my pants or something.or crying and i wouldnt shut up.
as this was a very common thing for the mother to do i must say children are resilant,and can learn.week days were awsome i got to come out to go to school as i was older.if you pee change your cloths they were in the closet and droors.hide others.i had an amazing fantasy world in my head that could keep me intertained for days.i had created so many friends in my head i really didnt need any one to talk to at school.i hated talking to other kids i just didnt do it i hated them.they did nothing for me.but i tell you the world in my head was amazing.i find it mind baffeling how a child can create such a thing but i was really great at it.that held me for many years.at least through 8th grade.but thats another story.other things that i learned.a dark room can be scary but if you sit on the floor and look out the window at the strrelights when you cant sleep it can be pecefull.i hated the summers when i had to be in my room and sit at my window and watch the family swim and have fun but i had also learned i could sneak out to go to the bathroom durring these times.i remember the drawings on the windowsills and my walls.i remember playing with my dolls.i use to be afraid of the closet i thought i saw dead people who hung themselfs in it but even if i screamed for the mother she would never come and if she did it wasnt a great outcome.i think it was harder when i was younger but got easier as i got older.i can remember a lot more about my room but this is all i want to say for now.it is amazing how kids adapt.