Sometimes I find the clonazepam actually makes the sense of disconnectedness worse. I used to love taking it, probably for the same reason many newly diagnosed (as I was back then) people love it--that floaty feeling, the lifting of that heavy weight, the ease of movement internally and externally, not thinking overthinking thinking overthinking...

But now? Now I avoid it whenever I can because I think it makes me feel worse in the end. Instead of floaty I now see it as numb. Instead of ease, i see it as a precursor to having to feel down when it wears off. And while I feel it connects me because it allows me to smile and sometimes speak, it's not real and the disconnection from people never leaves me.

I don't even know why I just went on and on about that. Maybe just because I've been thinking about this a bit myself lately. I truly wish I could connect better (or at all) with people. I do ok in writing and online and I have 2 or 3 actual live humans in my life, but I'm just unable to do it, even though I want to and even crave it. Like you said, I love them, I just am missing some essential emotional connection. I feel it, but it's like a synapse of physical expression is missing. God, I hate when I can only express myself metaphorically. It makes me feel inadequate, as if I simply don't have enough words to use.

And the switch off between phases, especially when irritability plays into it...ugh...I feel for you, Sugahorse. That's the worst. Irritability is the hallmark of the coming and goings of all of my phases and it's exceedingly unpleasant.

And now depression is here to pay you a visit. Whomever designed our brains did a pisspoor job, I must say. It's just not right.