Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackPup
What hit me the most was that I could no longer trust my own brain, which had previously been my greatest asset. I could not trust myself to be able to think clearly and to produce the quantity and quality of work that I expected of myself and that was expected of me.
I have never had great self esteem, but following my depression, diagnosis and the following years of medication trials (some people are more difficult to treat than others!), any shread of self esteem was completely gone. I could not imagine ever being good enough to be employed in any way.
This is a common experience amoung people with BP, where they underestimate their abilities and end up underemployed even when in remission... part of this is due to the concern of our ability to function when the next episode comes along.
... it becomes overwhelming and completely impossible, the littlest things become inhibitry and my only response was to run back to my room and hide - and I mean really little things, like the clothes being downstairs in the laundry, or not having a towel in the bathroom!)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shakti
... the working/bipolar things hits way close to home.
And of course he seems not to care about anything. That's depression. Part of bipolar... It's a very very very very very serious illness. The pressure you put on him probably seems immense to him, even if it is reasonable.
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This. So very much this that words fail. Shakti does not overstate in saying it's a very very very very very serious illness. And one of the worst parts is that we are wracked with guilt. We
know we are letting people down. We
know that the bills are due and we
must rally. But when we're like this we
CANT. Not don't want to. CANT. We wish to the very bottom of our soul that this were not so. We know that people who have not experienced this think that we're lazy, or that we don't understand the gravity of the situation. We understand. All too well. We know what's at stake. And it's FAR FAR MORE than anyone outside this reality can conceive of. It's more than what is going on outside. It's our very selves. It's unbelievably isolating. It's watching the ultimate destruction play out in slow motion yet being trapped and helpless to do anything about it. Then we hear "just" do this thing, or that. Like BlackPup said, it really
is the towel in the bathroom, or the sock on the floor.
Donnasvp, I "am" your husband right now. Same age. Same length of time unemployed. In this state, imagine the sock. Just seeing it might well send me into a curled up mess in the corner on the floor. The bed is simply
too high. Now try to imagine looking for a job in this state. The putting yourself forward, the rejection. The sock is an inanimate object. It can't speak. It's can't judge, yet behold its power to destroy. Dealing with the animate -- who can and will judge, (for what is job hunting if not putting oneself up for judgement?)-- is absolutely inconceivable. When a sock can send you over the edge...
A sock. It doesn't make sense, does it? It doesn't make sense for us either, but there it is. Trust me. We judge ourselves
far more harshly than anyone else ever could. So if you are frustrated and baffled, just think of the sock and how harshly we judge
ourselves over it.
It sounds like your husband is having a hard time expressing his state of mind to you. Please have him read this. I know if it were me, I'd either start bawling uncontrollably or just stare at the screen and nod almost imperceptively.
I am in the same boat, but also trying in futility to get help. Rejection after rejection... we could help you
but... for a single penstroke (BP I =
serious MI, BP II (ah, there's that single penstroke...), even though it has a higher suicide rate = not serious(!)
So not true and I just don't understand. This from the people everyone assumes should know better. No insurance, no money, living just on the "wrong" side of an imaginary line (county), having a roof over my head (for now), being too old (yes, really), not taking any new patients, believe me, I've heard it all. Everyone either doesn't even return phone calls or recommends all the places I've already tried. And tried. I am beyond exhausted. One more rejection... I just don't know if I can handle it. Yet I know if I don't get this, I can't handle the job thing. It's a vicious circle. And immobilizing. If you have any resource at all, use it. Help him break the vicious circle. With help he can pull out of this. Without, he may not be able to, or not in a timeframe that your relationship can handle. In helping him, you are also helping yourself.
Please help him. It is the absolute nadir of human experience.
(Btw, I have to say that I don't lie. Lying is NOT part and parcel of BP. But your husband probably just doesn't know what else to do in this situation...)