well, actually, i know the answer to that question. my father was the same. he hated me. first born, not a boy, much like him except i have no ability for math. he was a chemist. not a day went by when i wasn't reminded that i was ugly, stupid, and would probably be alone all my life. he used to say my friends were like ships passing in the night. he had no problem with my brother, and adored my little sister.
but, hey, that was decades ago. i didn't speak to him for 30 years. my mother remarried when i was 13 and my stepfather is exactly the opposite, always positive, always encouraging.
buy why should i look for someone who treats me badly? it makes no sense. to think that someone who fits this profile will suddenly jump up and decide they truly love me is idiotic. they are incapable of such feelings, whatever the reason. i have often wondered if the reason i am so bored with my spouse is that he truly loves me for what i am, but that makes no sense either. and i have wondered if either of these men had truly fallen in love with me would i have lost interest because of it? am i really that nuts?
i realize therapy is what i need, but if i know the answer, what can they provide? drugs? i was on antidepressants, i stopped taking them. i felt nothing. i do have xanax for when i get really stressed, but mostly i take it at work when things are going badly, and to help me sleep. now, i am a former hippie chick, and have been known to take a toke or two every now and then. but even in those years, i was never a druggie, or a drinker...just a little weed. cigarettes are my only addictive substance.
for all this guys faults, i am able to talk to him about anything and everything. maybe that was a mistake. he knows about my father issues, and my former love and on both occasions made the remark that i must remind him of both.
so, if know what causes me to fall for this type, and i continue to do so, at my age, what the hell does that say about my sanity?
and why is it i've only met two of them in my life? they are everywhere. there must be more, i just have to deal with the issue at hand first.