It has nothing to do with your sanity and its not a conscious decision that your making. We all do it. You gravitate to what is familiar, even if its unhealthy. You recreate your childhood in your adult relationships.

You find these men, hoping that this time it will be different. Its great at first because the relationship is new, fresh, and exciting. But soon the excitement is gone and you see this person for who they really are.

Read your first paragraph. You said your father (male) reminded you of how ugly, stupid and worthless you were. Why do you think you settle in these relationships. This man your having an affair with is a dirt bag. I'm sorry but he has no morals. He knows your married and doesnt care that he is sleeping with another mans wife.

That alone should scare the hell out of you. Even if you two were to start a relationship, what makes you think he wouldnt cheat on you once he tired of you? He would. You are settling for less than what you deserve, because you think you arent worthy of more.

Therapy isnt about drugs, thats a band-aid in my opinion. They work and thats great, but you need to really dig deep and deal with these issues and thats where T comes in. You can bounce ideas off them, share how you feel and they can help you to make sense of all of this. No matter your age, its never to late to change and live the life you want and deserve.

Once you begin to get "healthy" you will make better decisions and see the red flags when you meet men like this. That will help you to make better choices and choose someone who will love you for who you are, but you first must start by loving yourself.