Hi Amazonmom,
Yea, it was aweful. I guess that is why he is now my ex hey. lol.

I don't usually tell my work clients. They have an impression of me that I prefer to preserve. One of the things I do in my work is to teach people about balance and harmony and personal wellness. If they knew about my symptoms I am sure they would think me a hypocrite so I am really careful not to be anything but the model of what I teach. I tell myself I am not being a hypocrite because in fact I do walk my talk. It is just that my walk sometimes really challenges my skill set and when the symptoms are accute it may not look like I am managing anything but still I wouldn't be here if I weren't walking my talk to get myself to the other side of a rough ride.

When I first shared my dx with some of my family who happened to know something about BP the challenge was getting through the questions of meds and therapy. Was I taking meds? No. Why not? Isn't that dangerous? Shouldn't you be on meds? Well maybe but I have issues with doctors and I am afraid of meds and its all very experimental anyways so I do other things to treat my symptoms. No I don't go to therapy but I have other supports just the same. They shake their heads doubting I am taking the conditions seriously enough. They make assumptions in my opinion and if they knew what i knew they would give me some flexibility. Instead like the sisters they only hear the horror stories and in those stories it is always reported 'he hadn't taken his meds.'

Before I go I need to pick up on the last words of your post Amazonmom. 'even though I know they hate the real me.' Care to expand on that? Is that your symptoms talking or do your really think they hate you and if so why do you think that?

I often think that people would hate me or loose respect for me if they knew the real me, or perhaps do hate me because they see the ugliness I feel is the real me. When caught with those kinds of thoughts my idea of the real me becomes the one consumed by my symptoms. The symptoms begin to define me when they cause me to deny my true character even from myself. Self loathing is always so close in one form or another.

I try to be really attentive to self depricating talk. I try not to let myself off the hook when I slip up. I think it is dangerous for me to feed my negative opinions of myself no matter how innocently or casually I might toss them around. That is what gives me cause to call you on what looks like you doing the same.

Recently I was challenged to look at my people pleasing tendancies. I was hurt when someone pushed me away because of a disagreement. My automatic reaction was to fall apart. Tears streamed from the hurt of having caused someone to reject me. I felt myself start the search for what I could do to win him back again but before it spun me into hopelessness and thoughts of worthlessness I found myself challenging my reaction instead. I decided I wasn't responsible for his reactions but I could determine mine. I had done nothing to cause him to reject me other than to hold a different point of view. I could choose in that moment to change my position to please him and deny my own voice or I could honour my own voice and accept it may displease some people. I didn't need to please everyone, didn't need everyone to like me in order for me to like myself. It took a good amount of self affirming over the course of a couple of days but I arrived at true understanding that not everyone was going to always like me. I finally got it that I could be okay with some people not liking me so long as I attended to nurturing a love for myself. No matter what I had to love myself even if sometimes it feels like only words. Sometimes the words are all I have to turn my heart around again.