Specil-K and InnerZone: You have managed to write EXACTLY how I feel, but never seem to have the words to express. I'm usually irritable and pessimistic, and I don't think there's a medication on Earth to change that- it seems like it's a fundamental part of my nature. When I'm in a mixed state, I'm full-out furiously angry at the whole world.

I graduated high school 20th in my class of 415. I was in the Honor Society. I have a 140 IQ. I was on the President's List in college, where I got an associate's degree in liberal arts. "Liberal Arts" is just a euphemism for "Do you want fries with that?"

So, with all of my great potential, what is my illustrious career? I'm a MAIL CLERK. I dropped out of college and went back 3 times before I finally got my 2-year degree. That's the problem with bipolar: highly intelligent, but so totally screwed up in the head that I don't know where I want to go, or which way is up.

If you have ever heard of a poetical piece called "Native American 10 Commandments," one of the commandments for living in harmony with nature is "Rise and retire with the sun." Every morning I wonder what sick, demented freak created alarm clocks and decided that humans should wake up at 5:30. Society wasn't ordered for us to be happy. It was ordered by money-grubbing capitalists and politicians who use us as work horses and treat us like cattle. At times when I'm angry, I can't decide who I'm angry at- them, or myself, for losing all of my dreams and not staying focused on a path.

It's true that those at the bottom income rung are treated as though we're imbecilles. I spent 14 years at retail jobs, and believe me, when you're standing behind a cash register, you're everyone's favorite target. And, people blame you for things that are decided by corporate, as if you have any control over the policies. One instance that I remember from a convenience store job was when a woman remarked about an instant lottery ticket with a top prize of $1000/week for life. She said, "That would be nice, but I'd still have to work because I couldn't live on that." At that time, I wasn't even making $1000 per MONTH! I just wanted to reach over the counter and punch her in her snooty, sheltered, yuppie face. There are so many out there who have never experienced the REAL WORLD- walking 3 miles to work because I couldn't afford a car, applying for food stamps, using coffee filters for toilet paper or dish liquid for shampoo because I didn't even have a dollar, eating at the rescue mission, etc. One time, when I was applying for food stamps, the caseworker told me I'd have to get a GED- and I already had an associate's degree! She just assumed I was uneducated because I was poor.

Fortunately, my mail clerk job now puts me at lower-middle-class. Life has gotten better financially. But, I'm still at the bottom rung where I work, with some people making $60,000-$80,00/year. And, not to get political, but these are the same people voting down raising the minimum wage, because it will "hurt small businesses." If the business owners weren't taking home triple figure incomes, they could afford to pay the people on the bottom (who do most of the work) a living wage. I vow that if I ever end up financially well-off, I'll never forget where I came from.

But, this is America, the "land of opportunity." Yah, right. I only wish I could afford to go back to college. Most days I wake up with the feeling of "Why bother?" even when my meds are working. I'd love to be able to stay home, to read, and paint, and spend time with my husband. The majority of our society isn't working to get rich, but to get by. It's the top few percent that gets rich off the labor of others.

Ok, I think I'm done ranting. Seriously, you hit a nerve in me. But, I completely understand the feeling that society's priorities are twisted, and this life has to be a nightmare.