I was looking at the bottom of my couch that I say I want to repair. One of my cats uses it as a scratching post and has shredded it so the inside foam and other materials are constantly coming out. I took apart the pillows that came with the couch (cheap couch, it's a toss up if I'll "fix" it or buy a new one first) and have a plan to sew them together and then loop them around the bottom and nail them on, make a new bottom edge that will be harder to use as a scratching post.

But anyway, my female cat disappeared under the couch (they have long since torn out the under-couch, thin, black cloth that is just there for neatness/completeness and so have a little room of their own) which they like to do and I don't mind. But I was thinking about for how long I've been meaning to fix the couch and how I have my sewing machine set up with the first two pieces of material to sew together, etc. and I was wondering, "Why don't you just do it?"

I have plenty of time, don't think I have much aversion to doing it or the other 3-4 "big" tasks like that (message center in my kitchen, new bathroom wall/towel holders) for which I have all the materials and "could" do them, anytime. And I got to thinking about "wasted" time, time when we don't do much of anything constructive.

It occurred to me then that it's okay not to do anything. I can choose to just sit or just be on the internet or just whatever I want. Think of it like making one's bed or doing the dishes. Yes, it's nice to have the bed made and/or the dishes done but when they get done doesn't really matter because they'll have to be done again. I'm wearing clean jeans and teeshirt I took out of the dryer last night and thrilled but they'll be right back there in a few days, after the holiday?

I thought back to the things I have done. I worked at learning to quilt for over a year and made a lovely, king-sized quilt for my bed and a lap quilt for my elderly aunt. That's great. So? Yesterday I was on the computer most of the day not doing anything very urgent/specific, and in the evening went out and just sat outside on the deck with my husband. I also went tot he dentist and stopped by the drugstore and picked up my photographs from my trip I got home from two weeks ago. Does it matter when I drop off and pick up my film? I still haven't unpacked most of my clothes and stuff from my trip.

If I were to "want" to do nothing, would that be bad? No. But I think I alway feel like I "should" be doing other things, more "important". I think about my teenage and young adult years when I lived in my room and didn't get very good grades and went to work each day and came home and that was it. I remember, when I was near the end of therapy and doing so much more and "progressing" and becoming a fine member of humanity that my T made a comment about how sad it was that those earlier years were "wasted". I protested a little, knowing instinctively that I needed those years the way they were to survive and that spending them in an imaginary world, really going whole hog on my fantasy building, I wasn't doing what most others might do but I wasn't exactly "wasting" my life.

Some of the biggest waste I think is the feeling guilty for looking at the couch needing repair and feeling bad that I'm not doing it now. I do a lot of comparison between couch-fixing and socializing on the Internet and somehow decided the socializing is "wrong" in some way, a "waste" of my time by comparison with what I "could" be doing.

I've been working since 2006 to lose weight and in 2008 I'd lost going on 50 pounds. I've since gained back 30 but still have a loss. Thinking about how I feel physically and my age and interests, etc. it occurred to me that I might or might not feel better if I were more active but what is it I actually want to do? I enjoy working and playing on the computer. I don't feel particularly bad sitting here. However, when I want to do something more active, heavy duty yard work and/or go up/down stairs in my townhouse or out shopping with a lot of walking, etc. that is uncomfortable for me. So, the thinking is, if I were more consistently energetic, I wouldn't ache so much. But I'm nearly 60 and there are aches involved with aging, with my thyroid hormone replacement, with who I am now, and I can't get rid of those. If I get "into" exercise and spend my time that way, I won't have as much time for my Internet work and play.

It's easy for statistics to say that if I don't exercise I'm going to die 82.3% faster than someone else who does (whatever the number for whatever the illness I'll die of). But, someone else who does isn't going to correlate with me and my weight and size and lifestyle are they? So the comparison breaks down. I remember when my elderly stepmother wanted ice cream or something and care givers are worried about how it will affect her health? Give me a break, she's 85, who cares? Theoretically another 2 months of living sounds good on paper but we have no clue as to the actual facts, people beat odds all the time. If you are told you have a 95% chance of something, there's still that 5%. No one knows who is in that 5% so why bother with the health warnings? Sure if there's a 95% chance of rain I'm brining an umbrella along but we're all going to be caught out sometime, somewhere by our bodies and sure, lifestyle does have a large impact but no one tells daredevil riders not to do their stunts because it could kill them.

Thinking of my couch fixing, it came to me that society has more to say about how I spend my time, what is a "waste" of time, than I do. I'm raised to think I should be fixing couches over playing on the Internet. Well, I may fix that couch some day, but not today! Today I'm doing something else and I'm not going to feel guilty!