I am looking into the deeper meaning of being selfish.
Trying to put my rage aside for a few minutes to see what there is to live for.
It is time to stop making it be all "about me"...and realize who and what would be left behind.
It is so easy to blow it off and say, "I just am too freaking tired to live life anymore." But why? And what can be done to change that way of thinking? What brought me to the place of depair? Who is there that I love in this life, despite the hardships and hurt?
When my T told me tonight that I would be selfish...I had to take stock of that. I had to put perspective on what it is like sitting on the other side. I have been on that side. It didn't take long to remember the feeling.
Who would call me, my T asked? It would be Mare, my gf. How unfair that would be to both. They both care about me. They both love me. That is selfish. I see it. I feel it, which is more importantly.
I am balancing my dreams against my fears. I am balancing truth against lies.
If this makes sense to no one else...that is ok. I know I had to get these thoughts out.
I do not want to be selfish...I just want to be WHOLE! And, for that I am going to fight until I reach that place. Even if I get knocked back a step now and then. Even if everything in me tells me I am worthless. I am going to recall this moment, this time. And be proud to say I am not going to be selfish!
I want to be better! I want to be healthy!