Quote:
Originally Posted by AkAngel
Sunflower,
I'm truly grateful for the response. I'd like to ask a question about the highlighted portion of your response. I do care about other's well-being, but candidly, not trying to ruffle anyone's feather here..., if you come on here and tell us that your boyfriend yells at you and puts you down then you are pretty well guarenteed to have a bunch of people tell you that you should leave him and that you deserve better than that.
How does everyone know that? If I see this person here on PC and they are extremely sensitive, often misunderstand others attempts to help, attack whenever they feel attacked etc... then there is a pretty good chance that these character traits are present in her relationship and she's being a bit abusive too. If so, then, depending on how you look at it, they either both deserve better - or neither of them do. I lean toward the latter camp - I think they probably deserve each other, not to be mean but they are equal.
pfft... My examples are awful today; let me just say this: I think that often the only compassionate response is a tough love response, but that isn't seen as compassionate or supportive. Sometimes what passes as compassionate and supportive looks an awful lot like enabling to me. It's so easy to jump right in there and give a 'me too' response but it seems almost like encouraging the same behavior that likely got them into such a position in the first place. Does that make sense?
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AkAngel,
I totally see where you are coming from, and I think it is wonderful that you are aware of the risks of enabling vs. being supportive rather than just showing support without thinking through what sort of affect it may have. Support can mean being on someone's side, encouragement of a certain behavior, and even just to let them know they are not alone. But I do think that support giving should very much be something that the supporter thinks through before sending or just commenting because it does contribute to the one who is seeking support. We have no control over whether that person takes it with a grain of salt or for truth. It's totally fine if you want to say that you are feeling just as crappy as someone else says they are feeling, but maybe balance that out with a positive comment to show them (as well as yourself!) that those crappy moments are just moments.
For instance, a first time gardener might have the worst time starting out a garden, and this might really bog them down. But as long as they keep educating themselves and applying that new knowledge to practice, their garden will eventually grow. (That was my attempt at changing up "the grass is always greener on the other side" cliche, but I believe it. I think it just takes reminders and consistent will to keep working at it
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