being alone is my defense, I am working on it and trying to seek support and being honest but this is shaking my foundations, my self worth was ridiculed as a child my mum died when I was 5 and step mum couldnt cope with my moods so made fun of me. see also my thread in depression forum - says something like I am crumbling.

thanks for your advice, You are right its just the exploration so far feels very unsafe.