I just want it to stop! Im sick of taking ten pills a night. I know im more level now, but my creativity has been crushed into nothing, and the passion in life has left.. I want my spark to come back! I know mania is good-gone-bad, but it's better than this sickening neutrality. I think i could control myself off of meds now that im diagnosed and much more educated about my illness. Has anyone else felt this way?

Maybe ill stay on the antidepressants, because without them, i could fall back down where i never want to be again.. Id like to get off the mood stabilizers, esp the depakote, i dont enjoy those bad boys. i feel like i can really LIVE when theyre not holding me down, but its "for my own good."

Sigh.