Yesterday, I caught up with my mamma to do a bit of shopping, and I think it kind of hit me that I truly just don't feel comfortable around her anymore. I thought in the past that it was because of her issues, she was abusive and neglected me while I was growing up, she is a recovering alcoholic, has been in bad relationships including with one guy who was extremely mentally and verbally abusive to me, and she has done drugs- marijuana and heroin. We had an on and off relationship, we do actually get along pretty well now, there were times in the past we didn't including when I moved out of home at 17 because I couldn't cope, she basically wanted nothing to do with me. She stopped drinking a few years ago after going into rehab, and about a month ago decided to quit marijuana after I flipped out at her recently. That was something that really affected the way I felt around her, I was so suspicious every time I saw her that she was stoned that I would cancel meeting up with her, or go home 10 minutes after I saw her. Lately she has been in a good mood and laughing a lot, especially yesterday, I couldn't cope with it because she was acting the way she does when she's stoned, even though I'm pretty positive she wasn't. I feel uncomfortable with her affections, I hate it when she hugs me or tells me how she feels about me (I can't write the L word, it's something I really can't handle hearing or saying). I get this angry, disgusting, frustrated feeling inside. Another thing that always frustrates me is that she will make plans with me, to come over or go somewhere, and then on the day she will suddenly say she doesn't want to anymore. THAT pisses me off. When I was younger I used to always like it when she was happy and hate it when she was in a bad mood, now I just feel uncomfortable around her all the time. I don't know if perhaps it's all just so tarnished now that any hope I may have had of wanting a proper mother (and father too for that matter) has completely disappeared. Maybe I've finally grown out of needing someone and have finally come to the realisation that I am just alone. No I don't have a mother that ever has, or could take care of me, no I don't have a good father either. I'm in my 20's and have still pined for these things, there have been times when I've been down and have just wanted to go to my mothers and sleep on the couch with a blanket and have her make me something to eat like I'm 8 years old or something. Actually, that happened last time I was at her house last week, and I did get a childish comfort from it, but I still feel awkward because affection disgusts me now. And I mean that literally. It's like, I want these affections, but only if I am naive to it, or if I don't feel uncomfortable the way I do. I don't know... I feel bad for feeling this way, I didn't really want to admit it too myself yesterday. I'm kind of just confused about it...