So, I've been having some nasty mood swings lately that I've discovered sound a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder. I know not to let the internet diagnose anything, so I can't say that's what I'm suffering from. But I know that whatever is wrong with me, my relationship is definitely making it worse.

So in December, on Christmas Eve to be exact, my mom's 8-month battle with lung cancer ended. We were going to spend Christmas morning with her opening presents in her hospital room, but, I guess she wanted us to spend it at home.

I've been dating this girl (I'm a lesbian, I'm saying it now so no one gets confused by the context, I'm not trying to start any beef about morals so if you're against it, I'm okay with that) for almost two years. We started dating about two months before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She's been there for me, helping me get through my mom's illness and she's become an integral part of my life. While pretty much every friend I've ever had has completely abandoned me and wants nothing to do with me, she's been there.

But, since my mom died, she's become curious about guys and started dating her best guy friend. She's starting to drift away from me and in the past four months I've become increasingly unpredictable. In fact, the only predictable thing about me is that I'm going to overreact in some way to just about anything. I accuse her of all sorts of horrible things: that she's lying to me, that she hates me, that she's cheating on me, that she's trying to avoid me, and it's making her feel just as horrible as I feel.

I know staying in this situation is hurting me, and the fact that it's hurting me is hurting her. If I cry about my family situation, work, money, or my depression in general, she's there for me, helping me, giving me advice I really need to hear (while the advice anyone else gives me just ends up pissing me off). But when I start venting about her, which I often do because, well, she's one of my main problems, she becomes incredibly defensive and angry and we end up fighting until we start crying and almost breaking up. (Although she is dating someone else, we haven't been able to break up...)

I'm sorry for the incredibly long post... I didn't mean to make a ranty little journal entry.

I just don't know if I should leave her completely. She's the only person who makes me remotely happy. I sometimes think she's the only reason I haven't killed myself yet. But she's also part of the reason I want to die in the first place. And I know as soon as I start getting help one of the first recommendations will be to leave her.

I really do love her, and she really does love me. I've started realizing she may be seeing this guy as a crutch to deal with my problems. At first it was just because she missed being with men... but now, she cares about him and part of her can't stand being with me. (That could also be my paranoia talking)

I know I need to leave her. It's just a painfully hard thing to think about right now.

Thanks in advance for any advice or anything you share. In fact, thanks for just reading this in general, I know it's long and all that. I really don't know what to do or what I want.