In the wink of an eye I feel like depression has come to consume me again. All the physical symptoms of depression are taking over. I feel numb and heavy. Exhausted. Totally drained. Body temperature is up. Breathing is short and fast. Anxiety while lethargic. Can hardly keep my eyes open, my arms feel like lead and I am shrunken into myself. Sadness overwhelms me. My brain won't shut off. My mood has flipped. My son even heard it in my voice.

It was such a good day. Since mid June I have been more level than anything else. Some mixed mood periods here and there but nothing I wasn't able to manage. No mania I couldn't control.

My sister is coming out for a visit tomorrow. Her phone call triggered the flip I am experiencing right now. Too much to get into without going on and on too long. I haven't seen her for a couple of years. Spoke with her at Christmas but that's about it. We have an odd relationship.

My mind is so unsettled. I am so disappointed to suddenly find myself off balance again. I am feeling so sorry for myself and such a loser. The family loser. I used to be the star.

I will dig deep to find the energy to do the work I need to do right now. Meditating seems impossible but I will try. I need to stop thinking and feeding the hurt and pityful feelings I am having right now. I am rapidly cycling downward and somehow I need to stop it.

I am praying for help. Praying for a miracle right now. I want this to stop. I am overwhelmed with sadness. It is just so sudden. It was such a great day. This is cruel. So not fair. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling stable again. It can't be over all ready. It can't just end like this. I can't fall back into the pit. Not this soon.

It just so sad. I will go outside and look at the stars. Ask for help and try to let the fresh air and peaceful darkness minister to me right now.